Imagine the frustration of sitting on the couch, trying to talk through a problem with someone, and it seems like everything goes crazy. It doesn’t matter if it’s your spouse, your child, a parent, or anyone else you might be talking to. One moment you feel like you are having a good discussion and talking in a reasonable way, and suddenly you feel overwhelmed and the conversation feels out of control. Don’t panic... what you experienced is a common reaction when conversations become overwhelming.
Imagine that your brain has three main control areas. The back part of the brain is responsible for managing all those functions of your body that are automatic... things like your breathing and the beating of your heart. The front part of your brain is the part that helps you make good decisions and have productive discussions. That’s the part of your brain that you depend on to have a rational discussion with someone. The middle part of our brain controls our awareness of our environment and signals us if something needs our attention or alerts us if something appears unsafe. It’s the middle part of our brain that activates the fight or flight response that kicks in if we feel threatened and leads us to that feeling of being overwhelmed. The feeling of something feeling unsafe can come from an actual event or be triggered from something that we hold in our unconscious minds from the past.
When we have a discussion that becomes tense or if something happens that triggers our unconscious that something isn’t safe, the middle part of our brain activates the fight or flight system in our bodies. When our fight or flight system is activated, the systems of the body secrete adrenaline and cortisol to prepare us to either flee the threatening situation or fight for our safety. The front part of our brain, the part that is responsible for helping us make good decisions is hijacked. Our brains tell us that this isn’t the time to think and reason... it’s the time to run or fight.
When we are trying to talk through a problem with someone, and the conversation becomes overwhelming, it is a sign you need to take a “time out”. A break from a tense conversation can prevent you from saying things you will later regret and give your “fight or flight” response a chance to settle down. Have you noticed that when a conversation turns negative, you seldom can turn that negativity around? Often, taking a break for 30-45-minutes, will allow your emotional system to calm down so you can have a productive discussion. During the “time out” you can take a walk, pray, read... anything that takes your mind off the frustration until you calm down. I encourage people to learn to practice relaxation and deep breathing. By allowing yourself a “time out” you can calm that mid-brain section of your mind that has activated the fight or flight response.