Attachment, attachment theory, attachment styles. These are all buzz words that have been floating around the past several years. Maybe you’re familiar with it, or maybe not, but regardless of your knowledge about this concept, attachment has played a critical role in your development and in your current relationships.
So what do you think of when you hear the word “attachment?” Perhaps, like many others, it holds a negative connotation. Perhaps you think of a child who is “overly attached” to a teddy bear, or an adult who is obsessive about what their partner thinks and feels, to the point that they seem “codependent.” If so, you’re in good company. A lot of people associate attachment negatively. In fact, it is a commonly held belief that teaching our children to be autonomous and self-reliant will raise happier, more productive children. After all, being dependent on someone else for your needs - whether emotional or physical - seems weak and disempowering.
But attachment is a resource we often underutilize. In fact, the key to developing healthy independence is actually cultivating healthy dependence on others. This is the principle of the Dependency Paradox.
The Dependency Paradox is a term used to describe the phenomena that when people are attached to others sufficiently, they are able to pursue independent goals more effectively. Think about it - as we rely on others to meet our needs for connection and love, we spend less time worrying about why we aren’t connected and loved, freeing ourselves up to pursuing other interests, like advancing our education or pursuing that promotion.
When these needs aren’t met, we see higher incidence rates of depression and anxiety, suicide, and substance use and abuse. We become preoccupied with why we aren’t connected and loved by others and what that says about us, turning to coping strategies - healthy and unhealthy - to deal with this problem. It is only when we are accepted and loved within a community that we can use our resources to explore the world and leave our mark on it.
Of course, there’s much more to say about attachment, as sin presents challenges to the ways in which we develop and maintain attachment (both secure and insecure), and how we respond to threats to attachment in relationships, both past and present. The key to navigating these challenges includes first understanding the necessity of our relationships and deeming them worthy of our time and effort.
So go ahead. Get attached to your friends and family. Your wellness depends on it.