Reviewing "Created for Connection: 'The Hold Me Tight' Guide for Christian Couples"

Book Review: “Created for Connection: The ‘Hold Me Tight’ Guide for Christian Couples” by Dr. Sue Johnson with Kenneth Sanderfer

Every human being has needs. In our earliest days, our primary caregivers (typically parents) meet our physical and emotional needs. By doing so, they create a safe and loving relationship within which we have freedom to grow and thrive. Children crave the love they receive from their parents and miss their parents when they are not physically close. Not only does a parent’s love soothe and support the child while she is young, but this love also provides a framework for all future relationships she will enter. This idea forms the basis of attachment theory.

Dr. Sue Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) model incorporates attachment theory to show us that just as children need love from a caregiver, adults in romantic relationships need safe emotional contact with one another. The implications of this safe, trusting contact being broken are dire for many couples. In Created For Connection, Johnson and Sanderfer coordinate the basis of EFT with tenets of the Christian faith, outlining seven conversations in which married couples can engage to begin meeting one another’s emotional needs and creating a close, unbreakable bond.

Conversation 1: Recognizing the Demon Dialogues

Every couple has a “dance,” or a pattern by which we become stuck communicating unhealthily. This pattern forms in response to a perceived lack of connectivity with each other. (For more information about the types of “dances”, visit this blog post) Identifying the “dance” is the first step in preventing its continual destruction of a marriage. 

Conversation 2: Finding the Raw Spots

“Raw spots” can be any incidents, issues, or topics which have formed during the current relationship or in the past, resulting from an emotional need having been repeatedly neglected. First, we recognize that we cannot gain access to our spouse in the ways that we need. Then, we (deliberately or accidentally) touch their “raw spots” and are primed to enter the “dance,” which breaks down connection even further. Recognizing and understanding raw spots can help couples break down what happens during these exchanges when raw spots are activated, and work toward mutual understanding of one another’s emotional needs.

Conversation 3: Revisiting a Rocky Moment

When we are emotionally heightened while engaging in the “dance” with our spouse, we aren’t able to rationalize in order to discuss what went wrong. Replaying a particularly tense moment of past conflict with the intent of making sense of the “dance” helps couples rebuild trust. Couples who take accountability for their part of the “dance” and get curious about their partner’s emotions are working to make the “dance” the enemy, rather than each other.

Conversation 4: Hold Me Tight - Engaging and Connecting

There are two parts to a “Hold Me Tight” conversation: “What Am I Most Afraid Of?” and “What Do I Need Most From You?” Vulnerability is required for this type of discussion, which means couples are typically much more prepared for this after moving through Conversations 1-3 together. In a sense, Christian couples are deeply able to understand the semantics of this conversation because of a discipline in which we should be engaging daily: prayer. Prayer, by nature, brings us to the feet of Christ sharing our fears and needs, and allows us to reach for Him. A successful “Hold Me Tight” conversation ends when both partners have shared and received one another’s fears and attachment needs, and are reaching for each other. 

Conversation 5: Forgiving Injuries

Many couples have inflicted irreparable hurt to one another and are unable to move past those times - what Johnson and Sanderfer call “Never Again Moments.” Until these moments are revisited and genuine forgiveness is achieved, emotional connection may continue to hit dead ends. 

Conversation 6: Bonding Through Sex and Touch

Sexual intimacy between married couples is God’s desire and plan. In order to enjoy this gift fully, our emotional needs must be met first, and an environment of trust established between spouses. Emotional safety and physical synchrony exist in a reciprocal relationship.

Conversation 7: Keeping Your Love Alive

As marriages continue down the years, hardships enter unannounced and changes take place. In order to outlast the test of time, couples must create plans for their desired future together. God’s design is that marriage sanctifies us, which can only happen when we are open and willing to grow and mature together. The promise of continuing to seek emotional connection with one another engages a couple for a lifetime of love, growth, and strengthened bonds. 

We never stop needing to be emotionally connected to our loved ones, regardless of life’s many changing circumstances. Dr. Sue Johnson says, “Until we address the fundamental need for connection and the fear of losing it, the standard techniques, such as learning problem solving or communication skills, examining childhood hurts, or taking time-outs, are misguided and ineffectual.” Working through these seven conversations can help by giving couples the resources to seek out emotional connection with one another for the lifetime of their marriage.

Reviewing "The Soul of Desire"

Many of us don’t have an issue imagining God as Creator. One simply has to watch a vibrant sunset, enjoy colorful flowers bursting into bloom during springtime, or stand on the beach looking out at the vast, endless ocean. You can flip to the first page of your Bible, and you’ll immediately see that creation was God’s first recorded act, rendering it the most important (in the opinions of some theologians). However, if we ourselves don’t draw, paint, write poetry, or play a musical instrument, we laughingly explain ourselves by saying, “I’m not creative!”

In Dr. Curt Thompson’s book, “The Soul of Desire,” we learn that creativity is not a quality bestowed upon some, while others just miss the creative gene. As people made in the image of our Creator God, creativity is woven into our DNA. We are wired to identify beauty in our world and help steward it. In fact, Thompson makes the case that we are a people whose deepest longing is to contribute beauty to our world through the act of creation.

Creation of beauty requires that we become vulnerable. Trauma, allowed to sit within us, untreated and festering, results in shame, the enemy of vulnerability. Being known requires that we, at any age or stage of our lives, feel seen, soothed, safe, and secure within the relationships we create. (All sin, as Thompson writes, is a misguided desire of some kind - usually a desire regarding one of these four “S” words.) Thompson advocates for being known within the settings of what he has termed “confessional communities.” These groups serve the purpose of providing a safe space in which to process through trauma, tell the stories of their lives, and co-create beauty together with like-minded individuals. In short, these types of groups allow us to “practice for heaven,” as eternity with Jesus will be a forever chance to cultivate beauty through the most perfect of relationships.

In order to practice for heaven, Thompson suggests, we must limit the use of left-brain thinking regarding our own creativity and relationships. Too much left-brain use causes us to want to diagnose, rather than admire and appreciate, the world around us. Right-brain interactions with others can help us to understand what is good, beautiful, and true about the world, and in turn, inspire us to create.

As you read “The Soul of Desire,” I challenge you to ask yourself the four questions Thompson puts forth to members of his confessional communities:

1. Where are you?

Rather than describing your physical location, map out the coordinates of your heart and mind. What is going on with your emotions, your mental health, your current attitudes and behaviors?

2. What do you want?

This question is less about material possessions than it is about the longing of your heart. What drives you? What encourages you? What do you find truly beautiful in this life? In what areas of your life do you seek improvement?

3. Can you drink from this cup?

Is a bit of suffering worth the healing and freedom that will inevitably result from the hard work you are setting forth to do?

4. Do you love me

By seeking love from God, the source and author of love, we rightly identify ourselves in the context of our Maker. By becoming vulnerable before the Creator, we prepare to embark on a journey of creativity, resulting in beauty that will outlast our time here on earth.

Understanding Anxiety

Anxiety can be difficult to understand. When a person is overcome by anxiety their body deploys a bodily defense. They may experience shallow breathing, tightening of the chest, tension in the upper body, racing heartbeat, and/or a turning or churning in the stomach. Someone seeing this might be tempted to tell a person, “Hey, just relax- there’s nothing to worry about.” Unfortunately, that doesn’t work and is not helpful.

 It is valuable to understand what is happening when someone experiences anxiety or has a general anxiety disorder. Anxiety is one of the most common mental disorders experienced.  Most everyone experiences feelings of anxiety at some point in life. Life presents us with unknowns. We are all designed with a fight, flight or freeze response for survival, however, our brain can trick us into thinking we are in danger when in reality it might just be a worry thought over uncertain situations. Rick Hanson, PhD, describes, the mind like Velcro for bad experience and Teflon for good ones. We have the ability to remember what happens in the past and when confronted with uncertainty in the future we project what has happened in the past.

Present orientation can help to eliminate anxiety. When we ruminate about past experiences it can create room for anxiety to grow or when we worry about the future and think, “what if,” this can also lead to greater anxiety. Being in the present moment helps to manage the anxiety. Mindfulness, Grounding techniques, body-oriented approaches, and exposure are strategies and methods shown to address anxiety.

Click here for a helpful guide for managing anxiety.

For more information on anxiety, check out the following resources:

•  NICAMB – National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine

•  Siegel, Ron. Mindfulness and Psychotherapy

• Mayo Clinic: Anxiety Disorders

Reviewing "The Soul of Shame"

We’ve all heard it before. The quiet voice inside our own minds that whispers (though it might as well be shouting) insidious messages, such as...

“You’re a burden to your family.”

“You’re not a skilled worker.”

“You have nothing to offer the world.”

“You shouldn’t still be struggling with this sin.”

“You’re too much.”

“You’re not enough.”

In his book, The Soul of Shame, Curt Thompson addresses this voice and gives it a name. In order to understand shame and the detrimental effect it can have on our lives and in our hearts, Thompson first explores the mind’s inner workings and defines our purpose here on earth, as God intended when He created us. Through the lens of the Gospel, Thompson helps his reader identify shame’s harmful voice and guides us through methods by which to silence it.

The following are some of my takeaways from the book, which I highly recommend if you desire to silence the shame in your own life.

We live our lives by the medium of storytelling. Shame wants our stories to have unhappy beginnings, middles, and endings. It exists to dysregulate our sense of meaning.

We use story, or narrative, to draw connections between events, people, and ideas we encounter. This helps us to assign meaning to our lives. When shame is allowed to set up camp in our minds, our life’s stories are disrupted and making meaning of life is much trickier. Which story do you believe you are living in? This may be one of the most important questions we ask ourselves. Do you believe God is good, or that He isn’t? Do you believe that your life is intended for a higher purpose, or that it isn’t? Shame would have us forget what we believe about God and, therefore, about ourselves.

Shame is shape-shifting, persistent, and cunning, and it never discriminates. Shame’s deepest desire is to disrupt relationships and create a sense of absolute isolation.

The nature of shame is such that it affects everyone. It may have a different underlying message for each individual, depending on each of our desires, fears, and insecurities. It is deeply associated with each person’s own sense of self, and has little to do with our perceptions of others. Shame can easily lurk in the shadows, waiting to pervade even the most joyful of circumstances. One of shame’s greatest weapons is the illusion it creates of being a never-ending sensation; we convince ourselves that we will never not feel ashamed again.

Vulnerability is the only way to defeat shame.

As Brene Brown has helped us understand in her research and writings, vulnerability is shame’s greatest enemy. Shame cannot continue to fester and grow when its tactics are being continually exposed in the context of a loving community. We must be allowed to bring our shame to light in group settings without feeling as if those who love us will be repulsed by it and choose to leave us. Vulnerability is a risk worth taking, because it has the power to defeat shame when used properly.

We can’t expect to know God fully if we aren’t willing to fully know all parts of ourselves, including those parts that shame would rather we leave covered up.

Our natural inclination, when we feel shame, is to run and hide. Adam and Eve, after understanding that they had sinned in the Garden, were finally able to understand their nakedness and attempted to cover themselves up. However, God’s intent was always for us to live in communion together, and co-create a life of goodness and beauty. Adam and Eve were meant to walk with God through the Garden forever, but sin interrupted, and shame separated them. God never wanted shame to be an obstacle to knowing Him. Understanding how shame disrupts our learning, our vocations, and our families is helpful in removing it from those areas of our lives.

Turning toward God’s delight over us inspires creativity, draws us nearer to one another, and banishes shame.

When the areas of the mind are fully integrated, we have a greater ability to use our creativity to participate in God’s story. We can co-create with Him and use our imaginations to write stories that are interwoven with the goodness and beauty He always intended for us. This is only possible living within our “cloud of witnesses,” or the vulnerability of being in a confessional community. God’s delight in us commands more of our attention than the voice of shame would want us to hear.

The Power of Nutrition on Your Mental Health

We have all heard the statement, “you are what you eat”. I have mostly heard this in reference to outward appearance and falling ill, but what about mental health? Does what we put in our body impact our mood and behavior? What about that post-holiday season feeling of exhaustion - how much of that is from the overload of sweets and processed foods? Professionals in the field of psychiatry and mental health are coming out of the woodwork to talk about the importance of nutrition and mental health. 

The gut-brain-axis (GBA) is the communication between our brain and our digestive tract. Dr. Uma Naidoo, Nutritional Psychiatrist, writes about GBA, “... Chemicals produced by your brain can reach your gut. It’s a two-way street.” She explains that ninety percent of serotonin receptors are found in the gut. We hear about serotonin often when discussing anxiety and depression. Specifically, serotonin is a neurotransmitter that impacts mood, learning, and memory, and it is a lack of serotonin that leads to depression. So, if even these few statements are true, you can imagine how large of an impact our diets can have on our mental health.

Many physicians and nutritionists are revealing the impact of our diet on our brains. Where to start can feel overwhelming or confusing. I’d like to give you a few simple steps and resources to begin exploring and noticing if you feel any differences.

1. Stay hydrated - Dehydration has been linked to fatigue, confusion, and depression. Here are two ways to calculate how much water your body may need. Some say at least 6-8 8oz glasses daily. Others formulate half their body weight in ounces. For example, if you weigh 180 lbs: 180/2=90, so drink 90 oz. of water daily. 

2. Incorporate more fruits and vegetables -  It can feel overwhelming to think about what to take out of your diet, so focusing on adding more whole foods can feel more attainable. Fruits and vegetables include natural probiotics and prebiotics which greatly help build gut health. One of my favorite ways to do this is by finely mincing various vegetables and adding them in whatever I’m making (eggs, ground meat, soups, smoothies). 

3. Prioritize protein - Foods rich in protein give your body the amino acids necessary to help produce neurotransmitters, which then allow your brain cells to communicate with each other. This assists with mental clarity, energy, fighting illness, and increasing serotonin and norepinephrine, which plays a role in our body’s fight-or-flight response.

4. Eliminate Processed Foods - Now, I know I said it can be easier to focus on adding instead of eliminating, but there comes a point when we do need to evaluate what is creating negative effects that we need to remove. Processed foods include most packaged foods you find at the grocery store. I, personally, appreciate incorporating the 80/20 rule here - aiming for keeping processed foods down to 20% of the time. Packaged foods can come in handy when we are on the go or in a hurry, and it may cause more emotional stress trying to eliminate them 100%. The whole point of this is to reduce stress on our body. There are multiple resources to help identify “better options” when it comes to pre-packaged foods, like True Food and Yuka App.

To learn more about how you can use nutrition to improve your mental health, here are some of my favorite resources:

“This is Your Brain on Food” by Uma Naidoo, M.D.

Dr. Daniel Amen- podcasts, book, and blogs

“The Mood Cure” by Julia Ross, M.A.

Sparking Wholeness Podcast with Erin Kerry

Karalynne Call with Just Ingredients  https://justingredients.us/pages/about

Understanding Your Couple Dance

All couples have conflict. Conflict isn’t necessary bad, but it seldom feels good. Healthy couples learn how to manage conflict in a way that doesn’t harm the relationship and allows for a solution to be reached either by changing a behavior or some type of compromise.

Sometimes, couples find that they get into a pattern of interaction that prevents them from reaching a solution to the challenging issues in their relationship. Often, the pattern can be understood as a “dance” in which they each move together in a predictable manner. Often, our couple dance can actually prevent us from being able to have a productive conversation. I would like to look at three patterns or “dance steps” that couples may find themselves practicing.

The first dance pattern is the “retreat-retreat” pattern. In this pattern, both individuals struggle with addressing issues in their relationship and would rather avoid talking than to risk having conflict. They often find themselves choosing to not talk about an issue of concern, and instead ignore their feelings and withdraw until they feel better. While on the one hand this couple pattern can appear to not have problems, on the other hand, this couple pattern often results in a gradually increasing emotional distancing from each other. Couples with the “retreat-retreat” pattern can find themselves feeling more like roommates rather than feeling emotionally connected.

The second dance pattern is the “pursue-pursue” pattern. In this pattern, both individuals are comfortable about addressing issues in their relationship. Both often have ideas about the solution to an issue, with the result that conversations can become emotional and “lively.” This type of couple may be known for their “lively” discussions, and sometimes they are unable to reach a solution due to both feeling strongly about their ideas. This pattern can be healthy if both individuals are open to compromise and are able to “speak truth in love” rather than focusing on expressing their personal feelings. This pattern can be unhealthy when solutions are unable to be reached and each person begins to view the other person in a negative way.

The third dance pattern is the “pursue-retreat” pattern. In this pattern one individual feels it is important to address an issue in their relationship, and the other person doesn’t feel comfortable and withdraws. This pattern usually sees an escalation due to the pursuer feeling ignored or understood and intensifying their effort to be heard. When the pursuer intensifies their effort to be heard or understood, the withdrawer continues to retreat emotionally. This pattern usually ends when the pursuer becomes frustrated, or harsh words are spoken that injure the other person.

Couples may display a variation of these dance patterns at different times or find that they interact consistently in one of them. One benefit of understanding your dance pattern is that you can recognize when you are moving together in a way that has historically not been positive in your relationship. If you know where you are heading as a couple, you can identify your pattern and make positive changes. Another benefit is understanding that our dance steps may come from an emotional place within ourselves, and the steps we take may be to protect us from feeling hurt.

Take some time to examine your most recent disagreement and try to determine what steps each of you were taking. You may also want to have a conversation and discuss what prompts you to take the step you take in your couple dance. You may find that you understand your partner better and your couple dance becomes more positive.

Finding Joy

I sat in church today struggling to experience feelings of happiness, excitement, and enjoyment. Instead I felt a sense of disappointment, sadness, grief, and anxiety. This has been a season of loss for me. As I continued to sit in church and ponder why I was even there we began to sing a song by Phil Wickham, House of the Lord. The song speaks of Joy in the house of the Lord…”Joy?” That is definitely not what I am experiencing right now. As we continued to sing I began to consider each word we sang even though I didn’t feel it. Slowly, I began to experience something deep and fulfilling in my soul. I felt a sense of hope and an incredible peace. I wouldn’t say the sadness was gone, but something was overriding it. I believe in those moments I was experiencing true Joy. 

There is no way to fully explain the complex nature of joy in this short blog, but hopefully these are practical and helpful insights on experiencing joy. 

Joy is much deeper than happiness and can be present in the midst of circumstances that are not what we hoped or expected. Dr. Henry Emmons, MD, explains on his Joy Lab Podcast, “it is possible to feel joyful even in the midst of dealing with a problem. Joy is not just an emotion but it is a state of being.” The science of joy tells us when we focus on what is true and what is positive we can choose joy. It is not necessarily about the struggle to find joy but more about the surrender. This is exactly what I have experienced. When I began to stop fighting against my grief and anxiety and surrendered to the truth that, “yes, I am sad, but right now in this moment I am safe enough, I am surrounded by my family and friends, I have coffee (an early morning must for me) sufficient clothes to keep me warm, and I belong to a God who is for me not against me.” We must ask ourselves when we lack a sense of joy…”Where is my attention? Am I stuck on the distressing emotions and what is wrong in my life or can I see a glimpse of some positive aspects, thoughts of gratitude for what is good?” Marcus Warner in his book, Understanding the Wounded Heart, states, “The more we practice appreciation, the greater our capacity for joy grows.” Appreciation or gratitude is focusing on the positive and surrendering the expectations we have.  Dr. Henry Emmons reveals that Joy is natural, easy, and always a choice. He also proposes that joy is not the opposite of depression but a peaceful and natural state of being woven into our nature. 

For those of us who confess a trust and faith in Jesus Christ: 

We can experience joy that is greater than any trial we face. “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds.” (James 1:2) 

We have access to joy from the Holy Spirit living within us. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” (Galatians 5:22) “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.” (Romans 15:13). 

We find joy in God’s presence. “You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” (Psalm 16:11).

For some there are complexities at play, wounds that run deep and trauma impacting the brain, but there is hope for healing. Whatever we have faced or will face in this life, there is a way to reset our natural emotional bent and practice choosing joy until it becomes our default. 

Resources:

Phil Wickham - House Of The Lord (Official Lyric Video)

 Warner, Marcus, (2013 and 2019) Understanding the Wounded Heart

Mind-Body Connection and Allostatic Load

In recent years, our understanding of the ways in which our minds impact our bodies has grown exponentially. The rise of integrative medicine demonstrates an increased focus on taking care of our minds in order to take care of our bodies, and vice versa. Even in your own life, you may have heard your primary care physician inquire about your mental health status, or perhaps your therapist has recently asked you about improvements in diet and exercise, and even sleep hygiene (yes, it’s a thing). You truly cannot take care of one and ignore the other. 

Our bodies are designed to manage stress, and stress is both physical and psychological. We move in and out of states of hyperarousal to manage the threats we experience on a daily basis - whether it’s the physical grind of the daily commute, the psychological concern over an angry boss, or a literal fire in the kitchen. In our society where the demands on our time are ever increasing, many of us suffer with a disproportionate amount of psychological stress. If not managed, it can lead to a chronic physical state of distress, which negatively affects your body through a process known as allostasis. Allostasis, according to Dan Allender, is “our body’s attempt to adapt in order to maintain homeostasis by changing our normal physiological responses… in order to process the continued stress signals from the brain.” It’s your body’s way of adapting to improve survival in intensely traumatic environments. But there are costs to survival. 

Individuals with an increased allostatic load have higher levels of inflammation in the body and can contribute to the development of autoimmune disease, as it activates the immune system response to a disproportionate degree. Chronic pain syndromes are also affected by allostatic load, and can significantly impact an individual’s quality of life. The effects of stress and anxiety can even lead to an accelerated death, as it deteriorates our telomeres, which serve to protect our chromosomes from the effects of aging. 

Suffice it to say, mental health is important, not just for improved way of thinking and behaving in the world, but also for the benefit of your physical body. As you journey toward healing following a trauma, a goal of reducing your allostatic load can be immensely beneficial for your mind and body. Changes in diet, exercise, and sleep provide opportunities to lower your body’s stress response and reduce inflammation. You can also combat allostatic load with sunlight, prayer, gratitude, social support and even therapeutic modalities such as EMDR.

The very nature of trauma creates a sense of powerlessness and overwhelm in the face of difficult circumstances. Developing an attitude of care and kindness toward your body, and acting in ways to reduce your stress response, can undo those effects and create a sense of stability and support.  

For more resources on how the body and mind affect one another, check out these publications: 

Van der Kolk, Bessel. The Body Keeps the Score, 2015

Allender, Dan. Healing the Wounded Heart, 2016

Setting Boundaries

Whenever I mention setting boundaries, people often jump into black-and-white thinking. “I need to cut them out,” or “I’m never talking to them again,” and on and on. While extreme methods are necessary in some scenarios, there are other situations that are much more shades of gray.

I like to think about boundaries as being manifest in the roles we play. For example, a new employee should receive a job description that gives a clear outline of responsibilities and tasks that the job requires. That job description helps the employee know what IS his/her responsibility and what is NOT. What if you were hired somewhere and your boss simply said, “Okay, go start,” without any training or direction, “... just do something!” That sounds pretty overwhelming to me. When we have a clear understanding of our roles, we can eliminate some of the stress and ruminating thoughts that fill our brain.

This may take extra mental effort on the front end as you reevaluate who plays the various roles in your life, and the roles you play in others’ lives. Over time, life circumstances change and our roles change. I no longer have the role of “diaper changer” because all of my children are out of diapers. I’ve seen couples who switch roles, like when a parent who goes back to work after spending years at home, allowing the previous breadwinner to make a change. Periods of transition often require continual reassessment to figure out new routines and role dispersals. In codependent relationships, boundary “lines” are often blurred and responsibilities misplaced. Cloud & Townsend write, “A common boundary problem is disowning our choices and trying to lay the responsibility for them on someone else.” Which responsibilities do we need to put on - or take off - our own shoulders? 

More often than not, creating boundaries in our life is not black-and-white. Again, it takes effort and intentionality, but can result in freedom and more meaningful connection with the people we want in our lives.

For additional resources on boundaries, check out the following publications:

Cloud, Henry & Townsend, James. “Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No.” 1992.

Terkeurst, Lysa. “Good Boundaries and Goodbyes.” 2022

Communication in Marriage

When couples are experiencing challenges in their marriage, they often identify the problem as “not being able to communicate”. The descriptions of what constitutes good communication would look like can range from the desire to talk without fighting, an ability to share the events of the day, a desire to have deep meaningful conversations, or any other desire to connect with your partner in a meaningful way through talking.

One desire I believe all people have when talking with their partner is to feel safe. Whether we are seeking to solve a problem or simply spend time sharing our thoughts, we want to feel safe. When couples talk, and the conversation becomes tense or uncomfortable, it is easy for us to feel threatened and become angry or defensive. When we feel threatened or unsafe in a conversation, we naturally default to justifying our decisions and point out the faulty thinking or behaviors of the other person.  The result is that we become flooded with emotions and feel overwhelmed. When that happens, the goal in the conversation becomes to protect ourselves against our partner. So, when thinking about talking as a couple, a crucial aspect of the conversation is for both individuals to feel safe.

So, how do we have a productive conversation and feel safe? After so many failed attempts to talk, how can I talk to my partner without dreading that the conversation will put more distance between us instead of drawing us closer to each other?

When we are faced with a conversation that becomes tense or argumentative, we often push forward in the conversation, defending our position, until we give up in frustration of anger. Research has shown that emotions that develop in a conversation after the first few minutes will determine the emotional direction of the conversation. If you are having a discussion and it begins to become frustrating or defensive, it will not get any better.

So, what can you do to have a better conversation? When I am working with couples at Tapestry Counseling, I recommend two tools to help develop good communication.

The first tool that I recommend for a couple to use is the “time out”. When either partner recognizes that they are beginning to become emotionally flooded or overwhelmed. They can call a “time out” to pause the discussion and allow their emotions to calm down. The “time out” is a tool that is not used to avoid a conversation, but a tool to use to improve conversation. During the time out it is helpful for each person to do something calming like listening to music, going for a walk, reading their bible or prayer, anything that helps them calm themselves down emotionally.

The second tool I recommend is that when you resume your conversation, focus the conversation on understanding the other person rather than seeking to solve a problem.

Speaking personally as a man, I can say that many men can be described as “problem solvers” and we enter most conversations eager to identify and plan how to remedy the issue. Often, the attempts to find the simple answer is met with the words, “I don’t want you to solve my problem, I just want you to listen” and we don’t know what to do.

To effectively understand the other person, I suggested that you consider using a format for talking that has been called the “speaker-listener technique”. The steps to implementing this tool is described in this article from Watermark Church entitled  “Stop and Argument”. When using the speaker-listener technique the goal is to understand the other person, not solve a problem. One of the most challenging aspects of seeking to understand another person is to suspend your personal judgment as to what the speaker is saying. To understand another person does not require you to agree with what they are saying, just understand what they are saying. 

When you add these two tools to your marriage toolbox, you may discover that you are experiencing a level of communication that is both understanding and more intimate.

Fighting Loneliness

Loneliness reaches all of us at some point in our lives. None of us are immune. The 14-year-old in the lunchroom, the recently widowed woman, the young married couple working opposite hours, the young man moving away from his hometown, the woman with a chronic illness, the older gentleman in the assisted living facility, the pastor, the one who experienced abandonment, or the person who was rejected - all feel a sense of loneliness. We have more ways than ever to connect virtually, yet there is an astonishing number of us that would say in reality, we feel lonely. Health services company, Cigna, affirms this epidemic of loneliness. Over half of adults would say they feel alone. The longing we have to connect is not incidental but intentional by the God who created us. We were created to be in community with others. God tells us himself in Genesis 2:18 “It is not good that man should be alone.” And, yet, because we live in a broken world, we experience loneliness.

The shame of feeling alone can entice us to escape by binge watching the hottest new series on Netflix or scrolling through social media apps. Oftentimes, loneliness results in people turning to addictions. We don’t have to attempt an escape from our loneliness. There is hope that we can experience connection with others in the way God intended when we confess our loneliness to God and others.

Dr. Dan Allender and his wife, Becky, discuss the realities of loneliness and the way to tend to our lonely hearts on their podcast, Epidemic of Loneliness series. “As Scripture tells us, it is the truth that sets us free. The courage to name our loneliness and invite others to engage it with us is the beginning of what it means to foster connection and restoration in our most lonely places. We turn our faces to each other, owning our own condition and witnessing the condition of others.”

So, practically speaking, what do we do when we experience loneliness?

• Seek Time to be alone with God. God created us to be in community with others but first wants us to spend time in His presence. “In His presence is fullness of Joy.” (Psalm 16:11). Jesus himself took time to get alone with God. (Mark 6:46)

  • Pray for faith to believe in our promise keeping God who says, “I will never leave you; never will I forsake you.” (Hebrews 13:5)

  • Pray that God would use this season to create a sense of longing for Him as well as empathy and compassion for others.

• We should acknowledge it and name it like any distressing emotion in order to reduce its reactivity. Don’t try to suppress it or outrun it! Reveal your loneliness to a trusted person in your life.

• Create an authentic experience to engage with others: attend church, get involved in a small group bible study, or community group, serve in your local church or community, start a book club, host a neighborhood block party, take a class and engage with your classmates, meet a friend for dinner or a walk in the park, invite someone new to have coffee with you (we are not short of coffee shops in the area).

These things require intentionality. When my own heart has been heavy with loneliness and I practiced these things in my life, God has provided a sense of comfort, peace, and gratitude which also generates compassion for others.

The Courage to Mourn

In his famous Sermon on the Mount, Jesus describes a list of character traits that are blessed in the Kingdom of God (see Matthew chapter 4). Though it seems counterintuitive, he goes on to name several groups of people that will be blessed, including the poor in spirit (v. 3), those in mourning (v. 4), the meek (v. 5), and the persecuted (v. 10). These groups don’t often look - let alone feel - blessed. As a counselor, I am daily invited into the lives of those in mourning, those grieving losses that are hard to name, let alone cope with. It’s hard stuff. If we’re honest with ourselves, everyone has something to mourn - the loss of a loved one, a lost job, an unfulfilled dream. And that’s really key - honesty. Because not all of us are honest with our grief. 

If you are honest with your grief - that is, if you have the courage to mourn, you are blessed.You see, you are not avoiding your emotions, or pretending they aren’t there, seeking to numb your body through mindless scrolling or busy-ness. And as a result, these emotions and experiences are not being stored in your body (see Bessel Van Der Kolk’s “The Body Keeps the Score”). There’s a concept in psychology called “allostatic load” - which basically means the amount of stress your particular body is accustomed to carry as a sort of baseline. Those of us who ignore or pretend we aren’t grieving tend to have a higher allostatic load - putting undue pressure on and inflammation in our bodies (which can lead to a variety of physical illnesses). So if you are courageously pressing forward in your grief, through talking with friends and family, through journaling and reflection, through therapy and exercise, then you are giving yourself a gift that cannot be understated. You are creating opportunities for those around you to support you and comfort you. You yourself become a resource for comfort and care. And in doing so, the neural pathways in your brain begin to change in such a way that you can start to imagine that though you have lost something profound, a future still exists in which joy can still be found. 

It’s all right there. Scripture and science both point to this incredible reality that those with the courage to mourn will be comforted. So take heart, you who grieve. It is not in vain. 

For more resources on grief and mourning, check out the following publications: 

Allender, Dan & Longman, Tremper. “The Cry of the Soul.” 1994

Sittser, Jerry “A Grace Disguised.” 1995, 2004

Ramsey, K. J. “This Too Shall Last.” 2020.

Attachment and Sexuality

In Christian communities, the topic of sex is often considered taboo, and is therefore difficult to talk about, even in the context of committed marriages. Purity culture, despite it’s best intentions, has often painted sexuality as sinful, a fleshly and worldly desire that must be killed off as we “die to self.” And while I can appreciate the efforts to promote abstinence until marriage (as research continues to affirm the negative consequences of extramarital sexuality), it often leaves newly married couples struggling to define their sexuality in a healthy way, and to explore the physical and emotional pleasure that God intended it to provide. 

And while we could write books on the subject of the goodness of sex (which a few Christian authors have undertaken), we will instead point our attention here to the ways in which sexuality is a means of expressing our attachment to our most intimate partner, and is influenced by the attachment styles we developed in all important relationships (not just sexual ones).

As a refresher, attachment needs are biological. As Dr. Curt Thompson states, “we are all born into the world looking for someone looking for us.” As infants, we need to know that someone sees us, will soothe us, and will work to keep us safe. The degree to which our caregivers are able to meet those needs determines whether we grow up to trust the world as a relatively safe place. And though we grow up into adults, our needs for safety and security within the context of human relationships remain, and are expressed in our most intimate relationships.

For children, attachment needs are often met through expressive behaviors, including: gazing, holding, touching, caressing, smiling, and crying. Interestingly enough, these are the same behaviors we often see expressed between adult romantic partners, though sexual arousal is often accompanied by the experience. The same core needs are being met in both contexts, suggesting that sexuality is really a means for our partner to meet our strongest desires for connection and belonging. This flies in the face of the current cultural belief that argues sex is meant to be a purely physical experience without any need for commitment or connection between partners.

If we assume that sex is the proverbial stage in which adult relationships play out their attachments, then we would expect to see woundings here too. And that’s exactly what we see. As Dr. Johnson summarizes in her book on attachment theory, those with an avoidant attachment style tend to be focused on performance and physical sensation and report less frequency and satisfaction with sexual encounters. Those with secure attachment, in contrast, are able to explore their sexuality with playfulness and curiosity, and are able to experience the freedom in the immersion of the experience. Bottom line - those with secure attachments have more, and enjoy more, sex.

The implications here are tremendous. If sexuality is a means to meet emotional and attachment needs, then understanding attachment wounds and working on the relationship with a focus on attachment becomes critical to ensuring a healthy sexual relationship between partners. Sex then becomes a physical representation of an emotional reality - rather than merely a pastime to enjoy. And it’s presence within the marriage can be an agent of beauty in our lives, rather than something to feel shame about. 

References

Johnson, Sue M. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Individuals, Couples, and Families. The Guilford Press. New York, NY.
Thompson, Curt (2015). The Soul of Shame. InterVarsity Press, Downers Grove, IL.

When Christmas Isn't Merry

Whether you’re facing the first Christmas season without your loved one, or are approaching this season with many anniversaries already under your belt, grief can sometimes derail what’s supposed to be “the most wonderful time of year.” So what happens when Christmas isn’t merry? 

Many people feel obligated to experience joy and excitement around the holiday season. There are strong expectations and “fear of missing out,” especially when there are traditions to enact and a social media presence to maintain. Let’s face it - our society doesn’t do a great job of supporting us when we’re mourning the loss of, well, anything. But as research shows, our ‘body keeps the score’ and whether we like it or not, sometimes our grief comes out at inopportune moments. The best gift you can give yourself, or anyone else who’s grieving, is flexibility. 

Here at Tapestry Counseling, we are cognizant of the impact that COVID-19 has had on our community, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. In years past, we have provided information about grief during the holidays in churches and local coffee shops in a one-hour presentation. This year, because of the nature of our collective losses, we produced a video to widen our reach to those who need it most. It is our hope that this 30 minute presentation will offer hope to those facing the next few months with uncertainty. 

As always, if you are struggling with symptoms of grief and need extra support, Tapestry Counseling is available to provide individual and family counseling services. You are not alone. 

The Complexities of Postpartum Life

Life after a baby is complex. Maybe you had a thorough understanding of what was to come, or thought you did. The truth is, it is not something you can truly prepare for. You can have all the items off your baby registry, but you have no idea how this baby is going to sleep, eat, cry, and the list goes on. Some parts of newborn life may be smooth while others are bumpy. Or maybe the baby is the easy part, but all the changes around you are difficult. Being a new parent (and I don’t just mean after the first baby) is hard. 

Did you know that pregnancy is one of the top stressors? The Holmes-Rahe Life Stress Inventory includes 43 of the top stressors. Pregnancy is #12 on that list. And what about the items on the list that are impacted by pregnancy? Those may include, but are not limited to: marriage, gaining a new family member, sexual difficulties, major changes in social activities, major change in sleeping, major change in responsibilities, major change in finances… I could go on, but I’ll let you look for yourself.  

https://www.stress.org/holmes-rahe-stress-inventory

And let’s not forget struggles not included on the list - body image, comparison, identity, hormones... I think you get the point. This bundle of joy comes with a bundle of other experiences, as well. Although we can fully recognize that your baby is 100% worth the stress and your love for him/her is not compromised, it can still be challenging. Thankfully, there are many (and growing) resources to learn how to navigate parenting and post-partum life, from blogs, to mommy groups, to counseling. If this is something that you are struggling with, there is no shame and you are not alone.

What Attachment Is and Why It Matters

We’ve said before that attachment plays a critical role in your development, not only as a child, but as you continue to grow as an adult. For many people, this concept is foreign and not well understood, and its implications are easily missed. 

To introduce you to the role that attachment plays in everyday life, let’s conduct a little thought experiment. Let’s say you’ve just arrived at work and your immediate supervisor seems upset. There are several indications of this to you, starting with a more agitated presence, louder tone of voice, and furrowed brows. What is your first response? Do you, a) conduct a mental assessment trying to remember what it is you’ve done or failed to do that would elicit such a response; or b) try to offer support to what seems to be a rotten day - for them? So? What did you choose? Regardless of what your response is, it is shaped by your attachment. And if you’re like me, the idea that others might interpret this circumstance differently than you might take you by surprise. 

Our attachment style filters our experience. It primes us to see the environment and relationships as either safe or unsafe, and will determine to a large extent the thoughts, feelings and behaviors that come from interacting with said environment and relationships. Which means that every interaction you experience is impacted by your attachment. 

So what is attachment? To put it simply, attachment is the degree to which we are bonded to a primary caregiver (usually a parent). Developed in the early years of our infancy and childhood, our attachment style is determined by our caregiver’s responsiveness to our physical and emotional needs. It is during this critical period, in which we cannot take care of ourselves, that we learn whether or not we can rely on others to take care of us. If they respond with loving kindness and meet our needs appropriately, we learn that the world is safe and our capacity to trust others is strengthened, creating a secure attachment. On the other hand, if our caregivers are distracted or cruel, we will learn we cannot depend on others for our needs, and will likely develop an insecure attachment (of which there are various subtypes). These learning experiences shape how we respond to the environment, whether with a parent or our immediate supervisor, as in the earlier example.

So, for those of us who tended toward choice “a,” this may be an indication of an insecure attachment, whereas the latter response (choice “b”) would suggest a secure attachment. Of course, it would be inappropriate to determine your attachment style based on one such thought experiment, but it is a piece of the puzzle. 

If you’re interested in learning more about your attachment style, there are several resources available to you. While these resources do not replace specific and tailored therapeutic interventions, they can help you begin to understand some of your behavior patterns. Resources include Adam Young’s podcast “The Place We Find Ourselves” at www.adamyoungcounseling.com. You can also search for attachment style quiz/questionnaire and many are provided free (with just an email address required).

Attachment and The Dependency Paradox

Attachment, attachment theory, attachment styles. These are all buzz words that have been floating around the past several years. Maybe you’re familiar with it, or maybe not, but regardless of your knowledge about this concept, attachment has played a critical role in your development and in your current relationships.

So what do you think of when you hear the word “attachment?” Perhaps, like many others, it holds a negative connotation. Perhaps you think of a child who is “overly attached” to a teddy bear, or an adult who is obsessive about what their partner thinks and feels, to the point that they seem “codependent.” If so, you’re in good company. A lot of people associate attachment negatively. In fact, it is a commonly held belief that teaching our children to be autonomous and self-reliant will raise happier, more productive children. After all, being dependent on someone else for your needs - whether emotional or physical - seems weak and disempowering. 

But attachment is a resource we often underutilize. In fact, the key to developing healthy independence is actually cultivating healthy dependence on others. This is the principle of the Dependency Paradox. 

The Dependency Paradox is a term used to describe the phenomena that when people are attached to others sufficiently, they are able to pursue independent goals more effectively. Think about it - as we rely on others to meet our needs for connection and love, we spend less time worrying about why we aren’t connected and loved, freeing ourselves up to pursuing other interests, like advancing our education or pursuing that promotion. 

When these needs aren’t met, we see higher incidence rates of depression and anxiety, suicide, and substance use and abuse. We become preoccupied with why we aren’t connected and loved by others and what that says about us, turning to coping strategies - healthy and unhealthy - to deal with this problem. It is only when we are accepted and loved within a community that we can use our resources to explore the world and leave our mark on it.

Of course, there’s much more to say about attachment, as sin presents challenges to the ways in which we develop and maintain attachment (both secure and insecure), and how we respond to threats to attachment in relationships, both past and present. The key to navigating these challenges includes first understanding the necessity of our relationships and deeming them worthy of our time and effort. 

So go ahead. Get attached to your friends and family. Your wellness depends on it.

Gratitude and the Brain

I listened with a smile on my face while my 4-year-old sang her Thanksgiving songs after I picked her up from preschool. She sang songs about turkeys and one of my childhood tunes, “God is so good.” She surprised me when upon finishing the Salty classic she asked, “Mommy, what is your thankful song?” I would love to say that I had a quick answer at the ready, but the truth is that I had to pause. For a long time.

My prayers are prolific with thanks for all that the Lord has given us, but how often do I really worship with songs of thanksgiving? How often do I allow my praises to be about God and His character, rather than all the terrestrial gifts He has given for my enjoyment? This is a time of year in America where we are challenged to practice gratitude rather than greed, appreciation rather than self-absorption, thanks/giving rather than receiving. Even our dictionary recognizes the divine in its definition of “thanksgiving” as “an expression of thanks, especially to God.”(1) For the Christian, there is no better source and starting point for this model than the living Word of God.

Make a joyful noise to the LORD,

all the earth.

Serve the LORD with gladness;

come into His presence with joyful songs.

Know that the LORD is God.

It is He who made us, and we are His;a

we are His people, and the sheep of His pasture.

Enter His gates with thanksgiving

and His courts with praise;

give thanks to Him and bless His name.

For the LORD is good,

and His loving devotion endures forever;

His faithfulness continues to all generations. (2)

But you may ask, “How can I be thankful when my life is so hard/miserable/lonely/depressing?” Our God has a pattern for this as well.

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be apparent to all. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think on these things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me, put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. (3)

It should come as no surprise, then, that science corroborates the benefits of practicing gratitude for mental health. Gratitude energizes us, builds resilience, and connects us to a greater purpose outside ourselves.(4) So in this season of thanksgiving, let’s remember that it’s not just about cultural norms and a celebration of our American history. Long before research suggested that gratitude is actually good for the brain, the Creator God gave us a template to follow so that we could experience abundant life here on earth. Let’s follow His pattern, knowing that He knows what is best for us in living a righteous life. That is another, divine gift for which we can be grateful.

1. https://www.dictionary.com/browse/thanksgiving?s=t

2. Psalm 100

3. Philippians 4:4-9

4. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hope-resilience/201911/the-science-gratitude 

How Big is Your Window

Have you ever found yourself looking back on a frustrating conversation with your spouse, a co-worker, or your child and asked the question “Where did those feelings come from?”

What about trying to explain your feelings to another person, only finding you aren’t able to express yourself with words or feeling totally overwhelmed?

Most of us at some time have experienced these feelings, and perhaps you were outside your window of tolerance.

The term “Window of Tolerance” was coined by Dr. Dan Siegel to describe the zone of emotion response where you are able to function most effectively. When we are outside the window of tolerance, we find that our emotional responses are either in the direction of hyper-arousal or hypo-arousal. Hyper-arousal is often called “fight or flight” and often includes wanting to run away, feeling overwhelmed, or impulsive actions. On the other hand, hypo-arousal, is the opposite emotional state in which we experience a “freeze” response, and experience an emotional shutting down or feeling emotionally disconnected.

What can you do to stay within your window of tolerance? There are several calming and relaxation skills you can learn that can help. Also, sometimes a person may have a history of trauma in their life, and learning how to deal with the effects of trauma will help you to stay in your window of tolerance or help you enlarge your window of tolerance.

Our counselors at Tapestry Counseling are trained to help you identify and develop the skills necessary to learn to effectively manage your “Window of Tolerance”. During this time we are offering both in office sessions and virtual sessions. Give us a call today.