In Christian communities, the topic of sex is often considered taboo, and is therefore difficult to talk about, even in the context of committed marriages. Purity culture, despite it’s best intentions, has often painted sexuality as sinful, a fleshly and worldly desire that must be killed off as we “die to self.” And while I can appreciate the efforts to promote abstinence until marriage (as research continues to affirm the negative consequences of extramarital sexuality), it often leaves newly married couples struggling to define their sexuality in a healthy way, and to explore the physical and emotional pleasure that God intended it to provide.
And while we could write books on the subject of the goodness of sex (which a few Christian authors have undertaken), we will instead point our attention here to the ways in which sexuality is a means of expressing our attachment to our most intimate partner, and is influenced by the attachment styles we developed in all important relationships (not just sexual ones).
As a refresher, attachment needs are biological. As Dr. Curt Thompson states, “we are all born into the world looking for someone looking for us.” As infants, we need to know that someone sees us, will soothe us, and will work to keep us safe. The degree to which our caregivers are able to meet those needs determines whether we grow up to trust the world as a relatively safe place. And though we grow up into adults, our needs for safety and security within the context of human relationships remain, and are expressed in our most intimate relationships.
For children, attachment needs are often met through expressive behaviors, including: gazing, holding, touching, caressing, smiling, and crying. Interestingly enough, these are the same behaviors we often see expressed between adult romantic partners, though sexual arousal is often accompanied by the experience. The same core needs are being met in both contexts, suggesting that sexuality is really a means for our partner to meet our strongest desires for connection and belonging. This flies in the face of the current cultural belief that argues sex is meant to be a purely physical experience without any need for commitment or connection between partners.
If we assume that sex is the proverbial stage in which adult relationships play out their attachments, then we would expect to see woundings here too. And that’s exactly what we see. As Dr. Johnson summarizes in her book on attachment theory, those with an avoidant attachment style tend to be focused on performance and physical sensation and report less frequency and satisfaction with sexual encounters. Those with secure attachment, in contrast, are able to explore their sexuality with playfulness and curiosity, and are able to experience the freedom in the immersion of the experience. Bottom line - those with secure attachments have more, and enjoy more, sex.
The implications here are tremendous. If sexuality is a means to meet emotional and attachment needs, then understanding attachment wounds and working on the relationship with a focus on attachment becomes critical to ensuring a healthy sexual relationship between partners. Sex then becomes a physical representation of an emotional reality - rather than merely a pastime to enjoy. And it’s presence within the marriage can be an agent of beauty in our lives, rather than something to feel shame about.
References
Johnson, Sue M. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Individuals, Couples, and Families. The Guilford Press. New York, NY.
Thompson, Curt (2015). The Soul of Shame. InterVarsity Press, Downers Grove, IL.