Reviewing "The Soul of Desire"

Many of us don’t have an issue imagining God as Creator. One simply has to watch a vibrant sunset, enjoy colorful flowers bursting into bloom during springtime, or stand on the beach looking out at the vast, endless ocean. You can flip to the first page of your Bible, and you’ll immediately see that creation was God’s first recorded act, rendering it the most important (in the opinions of some theologians). However, if we ourselves don’t draw, paint, write poetry, or play a musical instrument, we laughingly explain ourselves by saying, “I’m not creative!”

In Dr. Curt Thompson’s book, “The Soul of Desire,” we learn that creativity is not a quality bestowed upon some, while others just miss the creative gene. As people made in the image of our Creator God, creativity is woven into our DNA. We are wired to identify beauty in our world and help steward it. In fact, Thompson makes the case that we are a people whose deepest longing is to contribute beauty to our world through the act of creation.

Creation of beauty requires that we become vulnerable. Trauma, allowed to sit within us, untreated and festering, results in shame, the enemy of vulnerability. Being known requires that we, at any age or stage of our lives, feel seen, soothed, safe, and secure within the relationships we create. (All sin, as Thompson writes, is a misguided desire of some kind - usually a desire regarding one of these four “S” words.) Thompson advocates for being known within the settings of what he has termed “confessional communities.” These groups serve the purpose of providing a safe space in which to process through trauma, tell the stories of their lives, and co-create beauty together with like-minded individuals. In short, these types of groups allow us to “practice for heaven,” as eternity with Jesus will be a forever chance to cultivate beauty through the most perfect of relationships.

In order to practice for heaven, Thompson suggests, we must limit the use of left-brain thinking regarding our own creativity and relationships. Too much left-brain use causes us to want to diagnose, rather than admire and appreciate, the world around us. Right-brain interactions with others can help us to understand what is good, beautiful, and true about the world, and in turn, inspire us to create.

As you read “The Soul of Desire,” I challenge you to ask yourself the four questions Thompson puts forth to members of his confessional communities:

1. Where are you?

Rather than describing your physical location, map out the coordinates of your heart and mind. What is going on with your emotions, your mental health, your current attitudes and behaviors?

2. What do you want?

This question is less about material possessions than it is about the longing of your heart. What drives you? What encourages you? What do you find truly beautiful in this life? In what areas of your life do you seek improvement?

3. Can you drink from this cup?

Is a bit of suffering worth the healing and freedom that will inevitably result from the hard work you are setting forth to do?

4. Do you love me

By seeking love from God, the source and author of love, we rightly identify ourselves in the context of our Maker. By becoming vulnerable before the Creator, we prepare to embark on a journey of creativity, resulting in beauty that will outlast our time here on earth.

Understanding Anxiety

Anxiety can be difficult to understand. When a person is overcome by anxiety their body deploys a bodily defense. They may experience shallow breathing, tightening of the chest, tension in the upper body, racing heartbeat, and/or a turning or churning in the stomach. Someone seeing this might be tempted to tell a person, “Hey, just relax- there’s nothing to worry about.” Unfortunately, that doesn’t work and is not helpful.

 It is valuable to understand what is happening when someone experiences anxiety or has a general anxiety disorder. Anxiety is one of the most common mental disorders experienced.  Most everyone experiences feelings of anxiety at some point in life. Life presents us with unknowns. We are all designed with a fight, flight or freeze response for survival, however, our brain can trick us into thinking we are in danger when in reality it might just be a worry thought over uncertain situations. Rick Hanson, PhD, describes, the mind like Velcro for bad experience and Teflon for good ones. We have the ability to remember what happens in the past and when confronted with uncertainty in the future we project what has happened in the past.

Present orientation can help to eliminate anxiety. When we ruminate about past experiences it can create room for anxiety to grow or when we worry about the future and think, “what if,” this can also lead to greater anxiety. Being in the present moment helps to manage the anxiety. Mindfulness, Grounding techniques, body-oriented approaches, and exposure are strategies and methods shown to address anxiety.

Click here for a helpful guide for managing anxiety.

For more information on anxiety, check out the following resources:

•  NICAMB – National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine

•  Siegel, Ron. Mindfulness and Psychotherapy

• Mayo Clinic: Anxiety Disorders

Reviewing "The Soul of Shame"

We’ve all heard it before. The quiet voice inside our own minds that whispers (though it might as well be shouting) insidious messages, such as...

“You’re a burden to your family.”

“You’re not a skilled worker.”

“You have nothing to offer the world.”

“You shouldn’t still be struggling with this sin.”

“You’re too much.”

“You’re not enough.”

In his book, The Soul of Shame, Curt Thompson addresses this voice and gives it a name. In order to understand shame and the detrimental effect it can have on our lives and in our hearts, Thompson first explores the mind’s inner workings and defines our purpose here on earth, as God intended when He created us. Through the lens of the Gospel, Thompson helps his reader identify shame’s harmful voice and guides us through methods by which to silence it.

The following are some of my takeaways from the book, which I highly recommend if you desire to silence the shame in your own life.

We live our lives by the medium of storytelling. Shame wants our stories to have unhappy beginnings, middles, and endings. It exists to dysregulate our sense of meaning.

We use story, or narrative, to draw connections between events, people, and ideas we encounter. This helps us to assign meaning to our lives. When shame is allowed to set up camp in our minds, our life’s stories are disrupted and making meaning of life is much trickier. Which story do you believe you are living in? This may be one of the most important questions we ask ourselves. Do you believe God is good, or that He isn’t? Do you believe that your life is intended for a higher purpose, or that it isn’t? Shame would have us forget what we believe about God and, therefore, about ourselves.

Shame is shape-shifting, persistent, and cunning, and it never discriminates. Shame’s deepest desire is to disrupt relationships and create a sense of absolute isolation.

The nature of shame is such that it affects everyone. It may have a different underlying message for each individual, depending on each of our desires, fears, and insecurities. It is deeply associated with each person’s own sense of self, and has little to do with our perceptions of others. Shame can easily lurk in the shadows, waiting to pervade even the most joyful of circumstances. One of shame’s greatest weapons is the illusion it creates of being a never-ending sensation; we convince ourselves that we will never not feel ashamed again.

Vulnerability is the only way to defeat shame.

As Brene Brown has helped us understand in her research and writings, vulnerability is shame’s greatest enemy. Shame cannot continue to fester and grow when its tactics are being continually exposed in the context of a loving community. We must be allowed to bring our shame to light in group settings without feeling as if those who love us will be repulsed by it and choose to leave us. Vulnerability is a risk worth taking, because it has the power to defeat shame when used properly.

We can’t expect to know God fully if we aren’t willing to fully know all parts of ourselves, including those parts that shame would rather we leave covered up.

Our natural inclination, when we feel shame, is to run and hide. Adam and Eve, after understanding that they had sinned in the Garden, were finally able to understand their nakedness and attempted to cover themselves up. However, God’s intent was always for us to live in communion together, and co-create a life of goodness and beauty. Adam and Eve were meant to walk with God through the Garden forever, but sin interrupted, and shame separated them. God never wanted shame to be an obstacle to knowing Him. Understanding how shame disrupts our learning, our vocations, and our families is helpful in removing it from those areas of our lives.

Turning toward God’s delight over us inspires creativity, draws us nearer to one another, and banishes shame.

When the areas of the mind are fully integrated, we have a greater ability to use our creativity to participate in God’s story. We can co-create with Him and use our imaginations to write stories that are interwoven with the goodness and beauty He always intended for us. This is only possible living within our “cloud of witnesses,” or the vulnerability of being in a confessional community. God’s delight in us commands more of our attention than the voice of shame would want us to hear.

The Power of Nutrition on Your Mental Health

We have all heard the statement, “you are what you eat”. I have mostly heard this in reference to outward appearance and falling ill, but what about mental health? Does what we put in our body impact our mood and behavior? What about that post-holiday season feeling of exhaustion - how much of that is from the overload of sweets and processed foods? Professionals in the field of psychiatry and mental health are coming out of the woodwork to talk about the importance of nutrition and mental health. 

The gut-brain-axis (GBA) is the communication between our brain and our digestive tract. Dr. Uma Naidoo, Nutritional Psychiatrist, writes about GBA, “... Chemicals produced by your brain can reach your gut. It’s a two-way street.” She explains that ninety percent of serotonin receptors are found in the gut. We hear about serotonin often when discussing anxiety and depression. Specifically, serotonin is a neurotransmitter that impacts mood, learning, and memory, and it is a lack of serotonin that leads to depression. So, if even these few statements are true, you can imagine how large of an impact our diets can have on our mental health.

Many physicians and nutritionists are revealing the impact of our diet on our brains. Where to start can feel overwhelming or confusing. I’d like to give you a few simple steps and resources to begin exploring and noticing if you feel any differences.

1. Stay hydrated - Dehydration has been linked to fatigue, confusion, and depression. Here are two ways to calculate how much water your body may need. Some say at least 6-8 8oz glasses daily. Others formulate half their body weight in ounces. For example, if you weigh 180 lbs: 180/2=90, so drink 90 oz. of water daily. 

2. Incorporate more fruits and vegetables -  It can feel overwhelming to think about what to take out of your diet, so focusing on adding more whole foods can feel more attainable. Fruits and vegetables include natural probiotics and prebiotics which greatly help build gut health. One of my favorite ways to do this is by finely mincing various vegetables and adding them in whatever I’m making (eggs, ground meat, soups, smoothies). 

3. Prioritize protein - Foods rich in protein give your body the amino acids necessary to help produce neurotransmitters, which then allow your brain cells to communicate with each other. This assists with mental clarity, energy, fighting illness, and increasing serotonin and norepinephrine, which plays a role in our body’s fight-or-flight response.

4. Eliminate Processed Foods - Now, I know I said it can be easier to focus on adding instead of eliminating, but there comes a point when we do need to evaluate what is creating negative effects that we need to remove. Processed foods include most packaged foods you find at the grocery store. I, personally, appreciate incorporating the 80/20 rule here - aiming for keeping processed foods down to 20% of the time. Packaged foods can come in handy when we are on the go or in a hurry, and it may cause more emotional stress trying to eliminate them 100%. The whole point of this is to reduce stress on our body. There are multiple resources to help identify “better options” when it comes to pre-packaged foods, like True Food and Yuka App.

To learn more about how you can use nutrition to improve your mental health, here are some of my favorite resources:

“This is Your Brain on Food” by Uma Naidoo, M.D.

Dr. Daniel Amen- podcasts, book, and blogs

“The Mood Cure” by Julia Ross, M.A.

Sparking Wholeness Podcast with Erin Kerry

Karalynne Call with Just Ingredients  https://justingredients.us/pages/about

Finding Joy

I sat in church today struggling to experience feelings of happiness, excitement, and enjoyment. Instead I felt a sense of disappointment, sadness, grief, and anxiety. This has been a season of loss for me. As I continued to sit in church and ponder why I was even there we began to sing a song by Phil Wickham, House of the Lord. The song speaks of Joy in the house of the Lord…”Joy?” That is definitely not what I am experiencing right now. As we continued to sing I began to consider each word we sang even though I didn’t feel it. Slowly, I began to experience something deep and fulfilling in my soul. I felt a sense of hope and an incredible peace. I wouldn’t say the sadness was gone, but something was overriding it. I believe in those moments I was experiencing true Joy. 

There is no way to fully explain the complex nature of joy in this short blog, but hopefully these are practical and helpful insights on experiencing joy. 

Joy is much deeper than happiness and can be present in the midst of circumstances that are not what we hoped or expected. Dr. Henry Emmons, MD, explains on his Joy Lab Podcast, “it is possible to feel joyful even in the midst of dealing with a problem. Joy is not just an emotion but it is a state of being.” The science of joy tells us when we focus on what is true and what is positive we can choose joy. It is not necessarily about the struggle to find joy but more about the surrender. This is exactly what I have experienced. When I began to stop fighting against my grief and anxiety and surrendered to the truth that, “yes, I am sad, but right now in this moment I am safe enough, I am surrounded by my family and friends, I have coffee (an early morning must for me) sufficient clothes to keep me warm, and I belong to a God who is for me not against me.” We must ask ourselves when we lack a sense of joy…”Where is my attention? Am I stuck on the distressing emotions and what is wrong in my life or can I see a glimpse of some positive aspects, thoughts of gratitude for what is good?” Marcus Warner in his book, Understanding the Wounded Heart, states, “The more we practice appreciation, the greater our capacity for joy grows.” Appreciation or gratitude is focusing on the positive and surrendering the expectations we have.  Dr. Henry Emmons reveals that Joy is natural, easy, and always a choice. He also proposes that joy is not the opposite of depression but a peaceful and natural state of being woven into our nature. 

For those of us who confess a trust and faith in Jesus Christ: 

We can experience joy that is greater than any trial we face. “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds.” (James 1:2) 

We have access to joy from the Holy Spirit living within us. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” (Galatians 5:22) “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.” (Romans 15:13). 

We find joy in God’s presence. “You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” (Psalm 16:11).

For some there are complexities at play, wounds that run deep and trauma impacting the brain, but there is hope for healing. Whatever we have faced or will face in this life, there is a way to reset our natural emotional bent and practice choosing joy until it becomes our default. 

Resources:

Phil Wickham - House Of The Lord (Official Lyric Video)

 Warner, Marcus, (2013 and 2019) Understanding the Wounded Heart

Mind-Body Connection and Allostatic Load

In recent years, our understanding of the ways in which our minds impact our bodies has grown exponentially. The rise of integrative medicine demonstrates an increased focus on taking care of our minds in order to take care of our bodies, and vice versa. Even in your own life, you may have heard your primary care physician inquire about your mental health status, or perhaps your therapist has recently asked you about improvements in diet and exercise, and even sleep hygiene (yes, it’s a thing). You truly cannot take care of one and ignore the other. 

Our bodies are designed to manage stress, and stress is both physical and psychological. We move in and out of states of hyperarousal to manage the threats we experience on a daily basis - whether it’s the physical grind of the daily commute, the psychological concern over an angry boss, or a literal fire in the kitchen. In our society where the demands on our time are ever increasing, many of us suffer with a disproportionate amount of psychological stress. If not managed, it can lead to a chronic physical state of distress, which negatively affects your body through a process known as allostasis. Allostasis, according to Dan Allender, is “our body’s attempt to adapt in order to maintain homeostasis by changing our normal physiological responses… in order to process the continued stress signals from the brain.” It’s your body’s way of adapting to improve survival in intensely traumatic environments. But there are costs to survival. 

Individuals with an increased allostatic load have higher levels of inflammation in the body and can contribute to the development of autoimmune disease, as it activates the immune system response to a disproportionate degree. Chronic pain syndromes are also affected by allostatic load, and can significantly impact an individual’s quality of life. The effects of stress and anxiety can even lead to an accelerated death, as it deteriorates our telomeres, which serve to protect our chromosomes from the effects of aging. 

Suffice it to say, mental health is important, not just for improved way of thinking and behaving in the world, but also for the benefit of your physical body. As you journey toward healing following a trauma, a goal of reducing your allostatic load can be immensely beneficial for your mind and body. Changes in diet, exercise, and sleep provide opportunities to lower your body’s stress response and reduce inflammation. You can also combat allostatic load with sunlight, prayer, gratitude, social support and even therapeutic modalities such as EMDR.

The very nature of trauma creates a sense of powerlessness and overwhelm in the face of difficult circumstances. Developing an attitude of care and kindness toward your body, and acting in ways to reduce your stress response, can undo those effects and create a sense of stability and support.  

For more resources on how the body and mind affect one another, check out these publications: 

Van der Kolk, Bessel. The Body Keeps the Score, 2015

Allender, Dan. Healing the Wounded Heart, 2016

Fighting Loneliness

Loneliness reaches all of us at some point in our lives. None of us are immune. The 14-year-old in the lunchroom, the recently widowed woman, the young married couple working opposite hours, the young man moving away from his hometown, the woman with a chronic illness, the older gentleman in the assisted living facility, the pastor, the one who experienced abandonment, or the person who was rejected - all feel a sense of loneliness. We have more ways than ever to connect virtually, yet there is an astonishing number of us that would say in reality, we feel lonely. Health services company, Cigna, affirms this epidemic of loneliness. Over half of adults would say they feel alone. The longing we have to connect is not incidental but intentional by the God who created us. We were created to be in community with others. God tells us himself in Genesis 2:18 “It is not good that man should be alone.” And, yet, because we live in a broken world, we experience loneliness.

The shame of feeling alone can entice us to escape by binge watching the hottest new series on Netflix or scrolling through social media apps. Oftentimes, loneliness results in people turning to addictions. We don’t have to attempt an escape from our loneliness. There is hope that we can experience connection with others in the way God intended when we confess our loneliness to God and others.

Dr. Dan Allender and his wife, Becky, discuss the realities of loneliness and the way to tend to our lonely hearts on their podcast, Epidemic of Loneliness series. “As Scripture tells us, it is the truth that sets us free. The courage to name our loneliness and invite others to engage it with us is the beginning of what it means to foster connection and restoration in our most lonely places. We turn our faces to each other, owning our own condition and witnessing the condition of others.”

So, practically speaking, what do we do when we experience loneliness?

• Seek Time to be alone with God. God created us to be in community with others but first wants us to spend time in His presence. “In His presence is fullness of Joy.” (Psalm 16:11). Jesus himself took time to get alone with God. (Mark 6:46)

  • Pray for faith to believe in our promise keeping God who says, “I will never leave you; never will I forsake you.” (Hebrews 13:5)

  • Pray that God would use this season to create a sense of longing for Him as well as empathy and compassion for others.

• We should acknowledge it and name it like any distressing emotion in order to reduce its reactivity. Don’t try to suppress it or outrun it! Reveal your loneliness to a trusted person in your life.

• Create an authentic experience to engage with others: attend church, get involved in a small group bible study, or community group, serve in your local church or community, start a book club, host a neighborhood block party, take a class and engage with your classmates, meet a friend for dinner or a walk in the park, invite someone new to have coffee with you (we are not short of coffee shops in the area).

These things require intentionality. When my own heart has been heavy with loneliness and I practiced these things in my life, God has provided a sense of comfort, peace, and gratitude which also generates compassion for others.

Attachment and Sexuality

In Christian communities, the topic of sex is often considered taboo, and is therefore difficult to talk about, even in the context of committed marriages. Purity culture, despite it’s best intentions, has often painted sexuality as sinful, a fleshly and worldly desire that must be killed off as we “die to self.” And while I can appreciate the efforts to promote abstinence until marriage (as research continues to affirm the negative consequences of extramarital sexuality), it often leaves newly married couples struggling to define their sexuality in a healthy way, and to explore the physical and emotional pleasure that God intended it to provide. 

And while we could write books on the subject of the goodness of sex (which a few Christian authors have undertaken), we will instead point our attention here to the ways in which sexuality is a means of expressing our attachment to our most intimate partner, and is influenced by the attachment styles we developed in all important relationships (not just sexual ones).

As a refresher, attachment needs are biological. As Dr. Curt Thompson states, “we are all born into the world looking for someone looking for us.” As infants, we need to know that someone sees us, will soothe us, and will work to keep us safe. The degree to which our caregivers are able to meet those needs determines whether we grow up to trust the world as a relatively safe place. And though we grow up into adults, our needs for safety and security within the context of human relationships remain, and are expressed in our most intimate relationships.

For children, attachment needs are often met through expressive behaviors, including: gazing, holding, touching, caressing, smiling, and crying. Interestingly enough, these are the same behaviors we often see expressed between adult romantic partners, though sexual arousal is often accompanied by the experience. The same core needs are being met in both contexts, suggesting that sexuality is really a means for our partner to meet our strongest desires for connection and belonging. This flies in the face of the current cultural belief that argues sex is meant to be a purely physical experience without any need for commitment or connection between partners.

If we assume that sex is the proverbial stage in which adult relationships play out their attachments, then we would expect to see woundings here too. And that’s exactly what we see. As Dr. Johnson summarizes in her book on attachment theory, those with an avoidant attachment style tend to be focused on performance and physical sensation and report less frequency and satisfaction with sexual encounters. Those with secure attachment, in contrast, are able to explore their sexuality with playfulness and curiosity, and are able to experience the freedom in the immersion of the experience. Bottom line - those with secure attachments have more, and enjoy more, sex.

The implications here are tremendous. If sexuality is a means to meet emotional and attachment needs, then understanding attachment wounds and working on the relationship with a focus on attachment becomes critical to ensuring a healthy sexual relationship between partners. Sex then becomes a physical representation of an emotional reality - rather than merely a pastime to enjoy. And it’s presence within the marriage can be an agent of beauty in our lives, rather than something to feel shame about. 

References

Johnson, Sue M. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Individuals, Couples, and Families. The Guilford Press. New York, NY.
Thompson, Curt (2015). The Soul of Shame. InterVarsity Press, Downers Grove, IL.

When Christmas Isn't Merry

Whether you’re facing the first Christmas season without your loved one, or are approaching this season with many anniversaries already under your belt, grief can sometimes derail what’s supposed to be “the most wonderful time of year.” So what happens when Christmas isn’t merry? 

Many people feel obligated to experience joy and excitement around the holiday season. There are strong expectations and “fear of missing out,” especially when there are traditions to enact and a social media presence to maintain. Let’s face it - our society doesn’t do a great job of supporting us when we’re mourning the loss of, well, anything. But as research shows, our ‘body keeps the score’ and whether we like it or not, sometimes our grief comes out at inopportune moments. The best gift you can give yourself, or anyone else who’s grieving, is flexibility. 

Here at Tapestry Counseling, we are cognizant of the impact that COVID-19 has had on our community, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. In years past, we have provided information about grief during the holidays in churches and local coffee shops in a one-hour presentation. This year, because of the nature of our collective losses, we produced a video to widen our reach to those who need it most. It is our hope that this 30 minute presentation will offer hope to those facing the next few months with uncertainty. 

As always, if you are struggling with symptoms of grief and need extra support, Tapestry Counseling is available to provide individual and family counseling services. You are not alone. 

The Complexities of Postpartum Life

Life after a baby is complex. Maybe you had a thorough understanding of what was to come, or thought you did. The truth is, it is not something you can truly prepare for. You can have all the items off your baby registry, but you have no idea how this baby is going to sleep, eat, cry, and the list goes on. Some parts of newborn life may be smooth while others are bumpy. Or maybe the baby is the easy part, but all the changes around you are difficult. Being a new parent (and I don’t just mean after the first baby) is hard. 

Did you know that pregnancy is one of the top stressors? The Holmes-Rahe Life Stress Inventory includes 43 of the top stressors. Pregnancy is #12 on that list. And what about the items on the list that are impacted by pregnancy? Those may include, but are not limited to: marriage, gaining a new family member, sexual difficulties, major changes in social activities, major change in sleeping, major change in responsibilities, major change in finances… I could go on, but I’ll let you look for yourself.  

https://www.stress.org/holmes-rahe-stress-inventory

And let’s not forget struggles not included on the list - body image, comparison, identity, hormones... I think you get the point. This bundle of joy comes with a bundle of other experiences, as well. Although we can fully recognize that your baby is 100% worth the stress and your love for him/her is not compromised, it can still be challenging. Thankfully, there are many (and growing) resources to learn how to navigate parenting and post-partum life, from blogs, to mommy groups, to counseling. If this is something that you are struggling with, there is no shame and you are not alone.

What Attachment Is and Why It Matters

We’ve said before that attachment plays a critical role in your development, not only as a child, but as you continue to grow as an adult. For many people, this concept is foreign and not well understood, and its implications are easily missed. 

To introduce you to the role that attachment plays in everyday life, let’s conduct a little thought experiment. Let’s say you’ve just arrived at work and your immediate supervisor seems upset. There are several indications of this to you, starting with a more agitated presence, louder tone of voice, and furrowed brows. What is your first response? Do you, a) conduct a mental assessment trying to remember what it is you’ve done or failed to do that would elicit such a response; or b) try to offer support to what seems to be a rotten day - for them? So? What did you choose? Regardless of what your response is, it is shaped by your attachment. And if you’re like me, the idea that others might interpret this circumstance differently than you might take you by surprise. 

Our attachment style filters our experience. It primes us to see the environment and relationships as either safe or unsafe, and will determine to a large extent the thoughts, feelings and behaviors that come from interacting with said environment and relationships. Which means that every interaction you experience is impacted by your attachment. 

So what is attachment? To put it simply, attachment is the degree to which we are bonded to a primary caregiver (usually a parent). Developed in the early years of our infancy and childhood, our attachment style is determined by our caregiver’s responsiveness to our physical and emotional needs. It is during this critical period, in which we cannot take care of ourselves, that we learn whether or not we can rely on others to take care of us. If they respond with loving kindness and meet our needs appropriately, we learn that the world is safe and our capacity to trust others is strengthened, creating a secure attachment. On the other hand, if our caregivers are distracted or cruel, we will learn we cannot depend on others for our needs, and will likely develop an insecure attachment (of which there are various subtypes). These learning experiences shape how we respond to the environment, whether with a parent or our immediate supervisor, as in the earlier example.

So, for those of us who tended toward choice “a,” this may be an indication of an insecure attachment, whereas the latter response (choice “b”) would suggest a secure attachment. Of course, it would be inappropriate to determine your attachment style based on one such thought experiment, but it is a piece of the puzzle. 

If you’re interested in learning more about your attachment style, there are several resources available to you. While these resources do not replace specific and tailored therapeutic interventions, they can help you begin to understand some of your behavior patterns. Resources include Adam Young’s podcast “The Place We Find Ourselves” at www.adamyoungcounseling.com. You can also search for attachment style quiz/questionnaire and many are provided free (with just an email address required).

The Importance of Connection and How Therapy Encourages It

I have been a Licensed Professional Counselor for over 8 years now. I am a professional in my field, but I still have a lot to learn.

Recently a life altering event changed the trajectory of my life and my profession. People used to ask me why I became a therapist. My answer was fairly simple, “I knew what it was like to hurt, and I knew what it was like to discover healing.” Life had placed me in the path to be a therapist. God had placed me in the position to be one. Years ago, I met with an amazing counselor after experiencing a cancer scare. I was able to walk through the trauma and grief of this due to my faith, a whole lot of prayer, a wonderful therapist as well as a supportive community—church, job, friends, and family. I believed that I would never be the same after that season of my life. Yet, God did a big work and used others to help me heal through it.

I was in a place where I felt I could be used to encourage others, since pain had been a part of my life. Little did I know, that that pain would not be a one-time event-- it would be intertwined into the tapestry of my years before, and, my years to come. But, so would unending joy.

Every time I meet with a new client, I try to explain to them the importance of counseling. I share that their first step is to acknowledge their need for help, and how proud I am that they did. It is important that I also share that counselors themselves often need counseling as well. To whomever is reading this, we (as counselors) see therapists for our own well-being. We are all human and experience our own struggles. There are times when it is beneficial and it is healthy to say “I am not okay and I need help.” It is imperative that we spread this message and shake off the negative mindset surrounding mental health issues. It is essential to know that you are not alone, and that there is healing and support available if you simply reach out.

With years of education, practice and life experience, I continue to learn that life changes—that trauma can be relived— that some things need to be said out loud and processed with someone outside of family and friends. I’ve also learned that healing isn’t only possible, but it’s attainable. Throughout my years of study and hearing the life stories and heartbreak from others, there is a central theme in every person—the importance of connection.

One of the main goals we seek to accomplish in therapy is connecting the client into community and into relationships with others. There was a Ted Talk recently that discussed how the opposite of addiction is not sobriety but connection. I believe this to be true in many areas of our life. Connection has the ability to uphold us and allow us to not walk this journey alone.

Connection in the Counseling Relationship

As therapists, we have the unique honor of hearing life stories from those who choose to entrust us with them. When I see someone begin to break free from some of the burdens of their past or their pain from life experiences, it is a true blessing. It becomes evident they are finding their way, seeing light in the darkness, and working through their struggles and frustrations. Each person who sits in front of me shows so much strength and courage to show up week after week. They are actively working through their fears and personal battles. For those reasons and more, I care deeply about the relationships I establish with the people who come to see me for therapy. 

Connection in the therapeutic relationship is so significant. This is why there are so many studies showing how important this connection is. 

Laurie Myers wrote in Counseling Today: Connecting with Clients, “All Counseling approaches and techniques have at least one thing in common — their potential effectiveness is likely to be squelched unless the counselor is successful in building a strong therapeutic alliance with the client.”

Mental Health Professionals acknowledge the importance of the relationship with our clients as well as their relationships with God and others.

What does the Bible say about connection?

Connection with Jesus

We declare that Jesus Christ—who lived, was crucified, was raised from the dead, and who will come again—is the Living Word of God. It is to Christ that Scripture points. It is through Christ that we have life (John 5:39–40). These are truths to live by. We must have connection through Jesus first in order to have connection with others. Our connection with Christ is at the foundation of who we are as humans. God created us in his image (Genesis 1:27). We were never meant to be separated. Sin separated us from God, but we were given the chance to be connected to Him again through his son, Jesus Christ.

Through this, we are adopted and accepted into the family of God. Rick Warren said “Christianity is more than a belief system. Christianity is a belong system.” The Bible says we were born again into God's family when we became a follower of Jesus. It also says that we've been adopted into God's family. Both are great metaphors for what it should mean to be a part of community.

Connection with Others

Throughout Scripture, the Bible address the prominence and the meaning of connection. From the beginning, we were created for community. The first thing God said was, "It is not good for man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18). God said that humans were not made for isolation. We were made for connection. Why? God created Eve to be a helper and a suitable companion for Adam (Genesis 2:18). This tells us that God intended us to be in community with others when he created humanity.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 says,

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”  

This passage addresses several reasons why we should be in relationships with others. We were made to live in connection with others as one body.

“For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us” (Romans 12:4-6).  

We are the body of Christ here on earth. Each of us plays a part and carries a purpose. However, we must work together for something bigger than ourselves. We must stand in community, alongside one another, and support each other.

Call to Authentic Connection

As a society we are more “connected” than we’ve ever been. We have unlimited access to phones, computers, internet, and social media. Yet, we still feel disconnected and isolated somehow. Connection through social media and through online forums cannot fill our inherent need for personal relationships with others. This is an important reminder for us all. A screen can only get us so far. We must be in face to face community with others. In turn, we must also invite others to be in community with us. We need to be open and mindful of those who are hurting around us. We long for authentic relationships, for acceptance, for love, and for realness. We long to alleviate the plague of disconnection. Through true connection and community, we can start to feel less alone and see healing in our lives and in the lives of those around us.

Hopefully this article will help you see the importance of connection and the role it plays in your day to day life. Recognizing our own needs helps us walk through each day. There was never a question of our need for community, but there should be an active lifestyle of creating and accepting that need. If you are struggling, if you are overwhelmed, if you are hurting and/or feeling the weight of life on your shoulders, please seek out help. We (Medical Health Professionals) are here to listen, to support, to encourage and to be a safe place for you.