We’ve said before that attachment plays a critical role in your development, not only as a child, but as you continue to grow as an adult. For many people, this concept is foreign and not well understood, and its implications are easily missed.
To introduce you to the role that attachment plays in everyday life, let’s conduct a little thought experiment. Let’s say you’ve just arrived at work and your immediate supervisor seems upset. There are several indications of this to you, starting with a more agitated presence, louder tone of voice, and furrowed brows. What is your first response? Do you, a) conduct a mental assessment trying to remember what it is you’ve done or failed to do that would elicit such a response; or b) try to offer support to what seems to be a rotten day - for them? So? What did you choose? Regardless of what your response is, it is shaped by your attachment. And if you’re like me, the idea that others might interpret this circumstance differently than you might take you by surprise.
Our attachment style filters our experience. It primes us to see the environment and relationships as either safe or unsafe, and will determine to a large extent the thoughts, feelings and behaviors that come from interacting with said environment and relationships. Which means that every interaction you experience is impacted by your attachment.
So what is attachment? To put it simply, attachment is the degree to which we are bonded to a primary caregiver (usually a parent). Developed in the early years of our infancy and childhood, our attachment style is determined by our caregiver’s responsiveness to our physical and emotional needs. It is during this critical period, in which we cannot take care of ourselves, that we learn whether or not we can rely on others to take care of us. If they respond with loving kindness and meet our needs appropriately, we learn that the world is safe and our capacity to trust others is strengthened, creating a secure attachment. On the other hand, if our caregivers are distracted or cruel, we will learn we cannot depend on others for our needs, and will likely develop an insecure attachment (of which there are various subtypes). These learning experiences shape how we respond to the environment, whether with a parent or our immediate supervisor, as in the earlier example.
So, for those of us who tended toward choice “a,” this may be an indication of an insecure attachment, whereas the latter response (choice “b”) would suggest a secure attachment. Of course, it would be inappropriate to determine your attachment style based on one such thought experiment, but it is a piece of the puzzle.
If you’re interested in learning more about your attachment style, there are several resources available to you. While these resources do not replace specific and tailored therapeutic interventions, they can help you begin to understand some of your behavior patterns. Resources include Adam Young’s podcast “The Place We Find Ourselves” at www.adamyoungcounseling.com. You can also search for attachment style quiz/questionnaire and many are provided free (with just an email address required).