When Christmas Isn't Merry

Whether you’re facing the first Christmas season without your loved one, or are approaching this season with many anniversaries already under your belt, grief can sometimes derail what’s supposed to be “the most wonderful time of year.” So what happens when Christmas isn’t merry? 

Many people feel obligated to experience joy and excitement around the holiday season. There are strong expectations and “fear of missing out,” especially when there are traditions to enact and a social media presence to maintain. Let’s face it - our society doesn’t do a great job of supporting us when we’re mourning the loss of, well, anything. But as research shows, our ‘body keeps the score’ and whether we like it or not, sometimes our grief comes out at inopportune moments. The best gift you can give yourself, or anyone else who’s grieving, is flexibility. 

Here at Tapestry Counseling, we are cognizant of the impact that COVID-19 has had on our community, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. In years past, we have provided information about grief during the holidays in churches and local coffee shops in a one-hour presentation. This year, because of the nature of our collective losses, we produced a video to widen our reach to those who need it most. It is our hope that this 30 minute presentation will offer hope to those facing the next few months with uncertainty. 

As always, if you are struggling with symptoms of grief and need extra support, Tapestry Counseling is available to provide individual and family counseling services. You are not alone. 

The Complexities of Postpartum Life

Life after a baby is complex. Maybe you had a thorough understanding of what was to come, or thought you did. The truth is, it is not something you can truly prepare for. You can have all the items off your baby registry, but you have no idea how this baby is going to sleep, eat, cry, and the list goes on. Some parts of newborn life may be smooth while others are bumpy. Or maybe the baby is the easy part, but all the changes around you are difficult. Being a new parent (and I don’t just mean after the first baby) is hard. 

Did you know that pregnancy is one of the top stressors? The Holmes-Rahe Life Stress Inventory includes 43 of the top stressors. Pregnancy is #12 on that list. And what about the items on the list that are impacted by pregnancy? Those may include, but are not limited to: marriage, gaining a new family member, sexual difficulties, major changes in social activities, major change in sleeping, major change in responsibilities, major change in finances… I could go on, but I’ll let you look for yourself.  

https://www.stress.org/holmes-rahe-stress-inventory

And let’s not forget struggles not included on the list - body image, comparison, identity, hormones... I think you get the point. This bundle of joy comes with a bundle of other experiences, as well. Although we can fully recognize that your baby is 100% worth the stress and your love for him/her is not compromised, it can still be challenging. Thankfully, there are many (and growing) resources to learn how to navigate parenting and post-partum life, from blogs, to mommy groups, to counseling. If this is something that you are struggling with, there is no shame and you are not alone.

What Attachment Is and Why It Matters

We’ve said before that attachment plays a critical role in your development, not only as a child, but as you continue to grow as an adult. For many people, this concept is foreign and not well understood, and its implications are easily missed. 

To introduce you to the role that attachment plays in everyday life, let’s conduct a little thought experiment. Let’s say you’ve just arrived at work and your immediate supervisor seems upset. There are several indications of this to you, starting with a more agitated presence, louder tone of voice, and furrowed brows. What is your first response? Do you, a) conduct a mental assessment trying to remember what it is you’ve done or failed to do that would elicit such a response; or b) try to offer support to what seems to be a rotten day - for them? So? What did you choose? Regardless of what your response is, it is shaped by your attachment. And if you’re like me, the idea that others might interpret this circumstance differently than you might take you by surprise. 

Our attachment style filters our experience. It primes us to see the environment and relationships as either safe or unsafe, and will determine to a large extent the thoughts, feelings and behaviors that come from interacting with said environment and relationships. Which means that every interaction you experience is impacted by your attachment. 

So what is attachment? To put it simply, attachment is the degree to which we are bonded to a primary caregiver (usually a parent). Developed in the early years of our infancy and childhood, our attachment style is determined by our caregiver’s responsiveness to our physical and emotional needs. It is during this critical period, in which we cannot take care of ourselves, that we learn whether or not we can rely on others to take care of us. If they respond with loving kindness and meet our needs appropriately, we learn that the world is safe and our capacity to trust others is strengthened, creating a secure attachment. On the other hand, if our caregivers are distracted or cruel, we will learn we cannot depend on others for our needs, and will likely develop an insecure attachment (of which there are various subtypes). These learning experiences shape how we respond to the environment, whether with a parent or our immediate supervisor, as in the earlier example.

So, for those of us who tended toward choice “a,” this may be an indication of an insecure attachment, whereas the latter response (choice “b”) would suggest a secure attachment. Of course, it would be inappropriate to determine your attachment style based on one such thought experiment, but it is a piece of the puzzle. 

If you’re interested in learning more about your attachment style, there are several resources available to you. While these resources do not replace specific and tailored therapeutic interventions, they can help you begin to understand some of your behavior patterns. Resources include Adam Young’s podcast “The Place We Find Ourselves” at www.adamyoungcounseling.com. You can also search for attachment style quiz/questionnaire and many are provided free (with just an email address required).

The Importance of Connection and How Therapy Encourages It

I have been a Licensed Professional Counselor for over 8 years now. I am a professional in my field, but I still have a lot to learn.

Recently a life altering event changed the trajectory of my life and my profession. People used to ask me why I became a therapist. My answer was fairly simple, “I knew what it was like to hurt, and I knew what it was like to discover healing.” Life had placed me in the path to be a therapist. God had placed me in the position to be one. Years ago, I met with an amazing counselor after experiencing a cancer scare. I was able to walk through the trauma and grief of this due to my faith, a whole lot of prayer, a wonderful therapist as well as a supportive community—church, job, friends, and family. I believed that I would never be the same after that season of my life. Yet, God did a big work and used others to help me heal through it.

I was in a place where I felt I could be used to encourage others, since pain had been a part of my life. Little did I know, that that pain would not be a one-time event-- it would be intertwined into the tapestry of my years before, and, my years to come. But, so would unending joy.

Every time I meet with a new client, I try to explain to them the importance of counseling. I share that their first step is to acknowledge their need for help, and how proud I am that they did. It is important that I also share that counselors themselves often need counseling as well. To whomever is reading this, we (as counselors) see therapists for our own well-being. We are all human and experience our own struggles. There are times when it is beneficial and it is healthy to say “I am not okay and I need help.” It is imperative that we spread this message and shake off the negative mindset surrounding mental health issues. It is essential to know that you are not alone, and that there is healing and support available if you simply reach out.

With years of education, practice and life experience, I continue to learn that life changes—that trauma can be relived— that some things need to be said out loud and processed with someone outside of family and friends. I’ve also learned that healing isn’t only possible, but it’s attainable. Throughout my years of study and hearing the life stories and heartbreak from others, there is a central theme in every person—the importance of connection.

One of the main goals we seek to accomplish in therapy is connecting the client into community and into relationships with others. There was a Ted Talk recently that discussed how the opposite of addiction is not sobriety but connection. I believe this to be true in many areas of our life. Connection has the ability to uphold us and allow us to not walk this journey alone.

Connection in the Counseling Relationship

As therapists, we have the unique honor of hearing life stories from those who choose to entrust us with them. When I see someone begin to break free from some of the burdens of their past or their pain from life experiences, it is a true blessing. It becomes evident they are finding their way, seeing light in the darkness, and working through their struggles and frustrations. Each person who sits in front of me shows so much strength and courage to show up week after week. They are actively working through their fears and personal battles. For those reasons and more, I care deeply about the relationships I establish with the people who come to see me for therapy. 

Connection in the therapeutic relationship is so significant. This is why there are so many studies showing how important this connection is. 

Laurie Myers wrote in Counseling Today: Connecting with Clients, “All Counseling approaches and techniques have at least one thing in common — their potential effectiveness is likely to be squelched unless the counselor is successful in building a strong therapeutic alliance with the client.”

Mental Health Professionals acknowledge the importance of the relationship with our clients as well as their relationships with God and others.

What does the Bible say about connection?

Connection with Jesus

We declare that Jesus Christ—who lived, was crucified, was raised from the dead, and who will come again—is the Living Word of God. It is to Christ that Scripture points. It is through Christ that we have life (John 5:39–40). These are truths to live by. We must have connection through Jesus first in order to have connection with others. Our connection with Christ is at the foundation of who we are as humans. God created us in his image (Genesis 1:27). We were never meant to be separated. Sin separated us from God, but we were given the chance to be connected to Him again through his son, Jesus Christ.

Through this, we are adopted and accepted into the family of God. Rick Warren said “Christianity is more than a belief system. Christianity is a belong system.” The Bible says we were born again into God's family when we became a follower of Jesus. It also says that we've been adopted into God's family. Both are great metaphors for what it should mean to be a part of community.

Connection with Others

Throughout Scripture, the Bible address the prominence and the meaning of connection. From the beginning, we were created for community. The first thing God said was, "It is not good for man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18). God said that humans were not made for isolation. We were made for connection. Why? God created Eve to be a helper and a suitable companion for Adam (Genesis 2:18). This tells us that God intended us to be in community with others when he created humanity.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 says,

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”  

This passage addresses several reasons why we should be in relationships with others. We were made to live in connection with others as one body.

“For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us” (Romans 12:4-6).  

We are the body of Christ here on earth. Each of us plays a part and carries a purpose. However, we must work together for something bigger than ourselves. We must stand in community, alongside one another, and support each other.

Call to Authentic Connection

As a society we are more “connected” than we’ve ever been. We have unlimited access to phones, computers, internet, and social media. Yet, we still feel disconnected and isolated somehow. Connection through social media and through online forums cannot fill our inherent need for personal relationships with others. This is an important reminder for us all. A screen can only get us so far. We must be in face to face community with others. In turn, we must also invite others to be in community with us. We need to be open and mindful of those who are hurting around us. We long for authentic relationships, for acceptance, for love, and for realness. We long to alleviate the plague of disconnection. Through true connection and community, we can start to feel less alone and see healing in our lives and in the lives of those around us.

Hopefully this article will help you see the importance of connection and the role it plays in your day to day life. Recognizing our own needs helps us walk through each day. There was never a question of our need for community, but there should be an active lifestyle of creating and accepting that need. If you are struggling, if you are overwhelmed, if you are hurting and/or feeling the weight of life on your shoulders, please seek out help. We (Medical Health Professionals) are here to listen, to support, to encourage and to be a safe place for you.