Whenever I mention setting boundaries, people often jump into black-and-white thinking. “I need to cut them out,” or “I’m never talking to them again,” and on and on. While extreme methods are necessary in some scenarios, there are other situations that are much more shades of gray.
I like to think about boundaries as being manifest in the roles we play. For example, a new employee should receive a job description that gives a clear outline of responsibilities and tasks that the job requires. That job description helps the employee know what IS his/her responsibility and what is NOT. What if you were hired somewhere and your boss simply said, “Okay, go start,” without any training or direction, “... just do something!” That sounds pretty overwhelming to me. When we have a clear understanding of our roles, we can eliminate some of the stress and ruminating thoughts that fill our brain.
This may take extra mental effort on the front end as you reevaluate who plays the various roles in your life, and the roles you play in others’ lives. Over time, life circumstances change and our roles change. I no longer have the role of “diaper changer” because all of my children are out of diapers. I’ve seen couples who switch roles, like when a parent who goes back to work after spending years at home, allowing the previous breadwinner to make a change. Periods of transition often require continual reassessment to figure out new routines and role dispersals. In codependent relationships, boundary “lines” are often blurred and responsibilities misplaced. Cloud & Townsend write, “A common boundary problem is disowning our choices and trying to lay the responsibility for them on someone else.” Which responsibilities do we need to put on - or take off - our own shoulders?
More often than not, creating boundaries in our life is not black-and-white. Again, it takes effort and intentionality, but can result in freedom and more meaningful connection with the people we want in our lives.
For additional resources on boundaries, check out the following publications:
Cloud, Henry & Townsend, James. “Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No.” 1992.
Terkeurst, Lysa. “Good Boundaries and Goodbyes.” 2022