Understanding Your Couple Dance

All couples have conflict. Conflict isn’t necessary bad, but it seldom feels good. Healthy couples learn how to manage conflict in a way that doesn’t harm the relationship and allows for a solution to be reached either by changing a behavior or some type of compromise.

Sometimes, couples find that they get into a pattern of interaction that prevents them from reaching a solution to the challenging issues in their relationship. Often, the pattern can be understood as a “dance” in which they each move together in a predictable manner. Often, our couple dance can actually prevent us from being able to have a productive conversation. I would like to look at three patterns or “dance steps” that couples may find themselves practicing.

The first dance pattern is the “retreat-retreat” pattern. In this pattern, both individuals struggle with addressing issues in their relationship and would rather avoid talking than to risk having conflict. They often find themselves choosing to not talk about an issue of concern, and instead ignore their feelings and withdraw until they feel better. While on the one hand this couple pattern can appear to not have problems, on the other hand, this couple pattern often results in a gradually increasing emotional distancing from each other. Couples with the “retreat-retreat” pattern can find themselves feeling more like roommates rather than feeling emotionally connected.

The second dance pattern is the “pursue-pursue” pattern. In this pattern, both individuals are comfortable about addressing issues in their relationship. Both often have ideas about the solution to an issue, with the result that conversations can become emotional and “lively.” This type of couple may be known for their “lively” discussions, and sometimes they are unable to reach a solution due to both feeling strongly about their ideas. This pattern can be healthy if both individuals are open to compromise and are able to “speak truth in love” rather than focusing on expressing their personal feelings. This pattern can be unhealthy when solutions are unable to be reached and each person begins to view the other person in a negative way.

The third dance pattern is the “pursue-retreat” pattern. In this pattern one individual feels it is important to address an issue in their relationship, and the other person doesn’t feel comfortable and withdraws. This pattern usually sees an escalation due to the pursuer feeling ignored or understood and intensifying their effort to be heard. When the pursuer intensifies their effort to be heard or understood, the withdrawer continues to retreat emotionally. This pattern usually ends when the pursuer becomes frustrated, or harsh words are spoken that injure the other person.

Couples may display a variation of these dance patterns at different times or find that they interact consistently in one of them. One benefit of understanding your dance pattern is that you can recognize when you are moving together in a way that has historically not been positive in your relationship. If you know where you are heading as a couple, you can identify your pattern and make positive changes. Another benefit is understanding that our dance steps may come from an emotional place within ourselves, and the steps we take may be to protect us from feeling hurt.

Take some time to examine your most recent disagreement and try to determine what steps each of you were taking. You may also want to have a conversation and discuss what prompts you to take the step you take in your couple dance. You may find that you understand your partner better and your couple dance becomes more positive.

Setting Boundaries

Whenever I mention setting boundaries, people often jump into black-and-white thinking. “I need to cut them out,” or “I’m never talking to them again,” and on and on. While extreme methods are necessary in some scenarios, there are other situations that are much more shades of gray.

I like to think about boundaries as being manifest in the roles we play. For example, a new employee should receive a job description that gives a clear outline of responsibilities and tasks that the job requires. That job description helps the employee know what IS his/her responsibility and what is NOT. What if you were hired somewhere and your boss simply said, “Okay, go start,” without any training or direction, “... just do something!” That sounds pretty overwhelming to me. When we have a clear understanding of our roles, we can eliminate some of the stress and ruminating thoughts that fill our brain.

This may take extra mental effort on the front end as you reevaluate who plays the various roles in your life, and the roles you play in others’ lives. Over time, life circumstances change and our roles change. I no longer have the role of “diaper changer” because all of my children are out of diapers. I’ve seen couples who switch roles, like when a parent who goes back to work after spending years at home, allowing the previous breadwinner to make a change. Periods of transition often require continual reassessment to figure out new routines and role dispersals. In codependent relationships, boundary “lines” are often blurred and responsibilities misplaced. Cloud & Townsend write, “A common boundary problem is disowning our choices and trying to lay the responsibility for them on someone else.” Which responsibilities do we need to put on - or take off - our own shoulders? 

More often than not, creating boundaries in our life is not black-and-white. Again, it takes effort and intentionality, but can result in freedom and more meaningful connection with the people we want in our lives.

For additional resources on boundaries, check out the following publications:

Cloud, Henry & Townsend, James. “Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No.” 1992.

Terkeurst, Lysa. “Good Boundaries and Goodbyes.” 2022

Communication in Marriage

When couples are experiencing challenges in their marriage, they often identify the problem as “not being able to communicate”. The descriptions of what constitutes good communication would look like can range from the desire to talk without fighting, an ability to share the events of the day, a desire to have deep meaningful conversations, or any other desire to connect with your partner in a meaningful way through talking.

One desire I believe all people have when talking with their partner is to feel safe. Whether we are seeking to solve a problem or simply spend time sharing our thoughts, we want to feel safe. When couples talk, and the conversation becomes tense or uncomfortable, it is easy for us to feel threatened and become angry or defensive. When we feel threatened or unsafe in a conversation, we naturally default to justifying our decisions and point out the faulty thinking or behaviors of the other person.  The result is that we become flooded with emotions and feel overwhelmed. When that happens, the goal in the conversation becomes to protect ourselves against our partner. So, when thinking about talking as a couple, a crucial aspect of the conversation is for both individuals to feel safe.

So, how do we have a productive conversation and feel safe? After so many failed attempts to talk, how can I talk to my partner without dreading that the conversation will put more distance between us instead of drawing us closer to each other?

When we are faced with a conversation that becomes tense or argumentative, we often push forward in the conversation, defending our position, until we give up in frustration of anger. Research has shown that emotions that develop in a conversation after the first few minutes will determine the emotional direction of the conversation. If you are having a discussion and it begins to become frustrating or defensive, it will not get any better.

So, what can you do to have a better conversation? When I am working with couples at Tapestry Counseling, I recommend two tools to help develop good communication.

The first tool that I recommend for a couple to use is the “time out”. When either partner recognizes that they are beginning to become emotionally flooded or overwhelmed. They can call a “time out” to pause the discussion and allow their emotions to calm down. The “time out” is a tool that is not used to avoid a conversation, but a tool to use to improve conversation. During the time out it is helpful for each person to do something calming like listening to music, going for a walk, reading their bible or prayer, anything that helps them calm themselves down emotionally.

The second tool I recommend is that when you resume your conversation, focus the conversation on understanding the other person rather than seeking to solve a problem.

Speaking personally as a man, I can say that many men can be described as “problem solvers” and we enter most conversations eager to identify and plan how to remedy the issue. Often, the attempts to find the simple answer is met with the words, “I don’t want you to solve my problem, I just want you to listen” and we don’t know what to do.

To effectively understand the other person, I suggested that you consider using a format for talking that has been called the “speaker-listener technique”. The steps to implementing this tool is described in this article from Watermark Church entitled  “Stop and Argument”. When using the speaker-listener technique the goal is to understand the other person, not solve a problem. One of the most challenging aspects of seeking to understand another person is to suspend your personal judgment as to what the speaker is saying. To understand another person does not require you to agree with what they are saying, just understand what they are saying. 

When you add these two tools to your marriage toolbox, you may discover that you are experiencing a level of communication that is both understanding and more intimate.