All couples have conflict. Conflict isn’t necessary bad, but it seldom feels good. Healthy couples learn how to manage conflict in a way that doesn’t harm the relationship and allows for a solution to be reached either by changing a behavior or some type of compromise.
Sometimes, couples find that they get into a pattern of interaction that prevents them from reaching a solution to the challenging issues in their relationship. Often, the pattern can be understood as a “dance” in which they each move together in a predictable manner. Often, our couple dance can actually prevent us from being able to have a productive conversation. I would like to look at three patterns or “dance steps” that couples may find themselves practicing.
The first dance pattern is the “retreat-retreat” pattern. In this pattern, both individuals struggle with addressing issues in their relationship and would rather avoid talking than to risk having conflict. They often find themselves choosing to not talk about an issue of concern, and instead ignore their feelings and withdraw until they feel better. While on the one hand this couple pattern can appear to not have problems, on the other hand, this couple pattern often results in a gradually increasing emotional distancing from each other. Couples with the “retreat-retreat” pattern can find themselves feeling more like roommates rather than feeling emotionally connected.
The second dance pattern is the “pursue-pursue” pattern. In this pattern, both individuals are comfortable about addressing issues in their relationship. Both often have ideas about the solution to an issue, with the result that conversations can become emotional and “lively.” This type of couple may be known for their “lively” discussions, and sometimes they are unable to reach a solution due to both feeling strongly about their ideas. This pattern can be healthy if both individuals are open to compromise and are able to “speak truth in love” rather than focusing on expressing their personal feelings. This pattern can be unhealthy when solutions are unable to be reached and each person begins to view the other person in a negative way.
The third dance pattern is the “pursue-retreat” pattern. In this pattern one individual feels it is important to address an issue in their relationship, and the other person doesn’t feel comfortable and withdraws. This pattern usually sees an escalation due to the pursuer feeling ignored or understood and intensifying their effort to be heard. When the pursuer intensifies their effort to be heard or understood, the withdrawer continues to retreat emotionally. This pattern usually ends when the pursuer becomes frustrated, or harsh words are spoken that injure the other person.
Couples may display a variation of these dance patterns at different times or find that they interact consistently in one of them. One benefit of understanding your dance pattern is that you can recognize when you are moving together in a way that has historically not been positive in your relationship. If you know where you are heading as a couple, you can identify your pattern and make positive changes. Another benefit is understanding that our dance steps may come from an emotional place within ourselves, and the steps we take may be to protect us from feeling hurt.
Take some time to examine your most recent disagreement and try to determine what steps each of you were taking. You may also want to have a conversation and discuss what prompts you to take the step you take in your couple dance. You may find that you understand your partner better and your couple dance becomes more positive.