Reviewing "Created for Connection: 'The Hold Me Tight' Guide for Christian Couples"

Book Review: “Created for Connection: The ‘Hold Me Tight’ Guide for Christian Couples” by Dr. Sue Johnson with Kenneth Sanderfer

Every human being has needs. In our earliest days, our primary caregivers (typically parents) meet our physical and emotional needs. By doing so, they create a safe and loving relationship within which we have freedom to grow and thrive. Children crave the love they receive from their parents and miss their parents when they are not physically close. Not only does a parent’s love soothe and support the child while she is young, but this love also provides a framework for all future relationships she will enter. This idea forms the basis of attachment theory.

Dr. Sue Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) model incorporates attachment theory to show us that just as children need love from a caregiver, adults in romantic relationships need safe emotional contact with one another. The implications of this safe, trusting contact being broken are dire for many couples. In Created For Connection, Johnson and Sanderfer coordinate the basis of EFT with tenets of the Christian faith, outlining seven conversations in which married couples can engage to begin meeting one another’s emotional needs and creating a close, unbreakable bond.

Conversation 1: Recognizing the Demon Dialogues

Every couple has a “dance,” or a pattern by which we become stuck communicating unhealthily. This pattern forms in response to a perceived lack of connectivity with each other. (For more information about the types of “dances”, visit this blog post) Identifying the “dance” is the first step in preventing its continual destruction of a marriage. 

Conversation 2: Finding the Raw Spots

“Raw spots” can be any incidents, issues, or topics which have formed during the current relationship or in the past, resulting from an emotional need having been repeatedly neglected. First, we recognize that we cannot gain access to our spouse in the ways that we need. Then, we (deliberately or accidentally) touch their “raw spots” and are primed to enter the “dance,” which breaks down connection even further. Recognizing and understanding raw spots can help couples break down what happens during these exchanges when raw spots are activated, and work toward mutual understanding of one another’s emotional needs.

Conversation 3: Revisiting a Rocky Moment

When we are emotionally heightened while engaging in the “dance” with our spouse, we aren’t able to rationalize in order to discuss what went wrong. Replaying a particularly tense moment of past conflict with the intent of making sense of the “dance” helps couples rebuild trust. Couples who take accountability for their part of the “dance” and get curious about their partner’s emotions are working to make the “dance” the enemy, rather than each other.

Conversation 4: Hold Me Tight - Engaging and Connecting

There are two parts to a “Hold Me Tight” conversation: “What Am I Most Afraid Of?” and “What Do I Need Most From You?” Vulnerability is required for this type of discussion, which means couples are typically much more prepared for this after moving through Conversations 1-3 together. In a sense, Christian couples are deeply able to understand the semantics of this conversation because of a discipline in which we should be engaging daily: prayer. Prayer, by nature, brings us to the feet of Christ sharing our fears and needs, and allows us to reach for Him. A successful “Hold Me Tight” conversation ends when both partners have shared and received one another’s fears and attachment needs, and are reaching for each other. 

Conversation 5: Forgiving Injuries

Many couples have inflicted irreparable hurt to one another and are unable to move past those times - what Johnson and Sanderfer call “Never Again Moments.” Until these moments are revisited and genuine forgiveness is achieved, emotional connection may continue to hit dead ends. 

Conversation 6: Bonding Through Sex and Touch

Sexual intimacy between married couples is God’s desire and plan. In order to enjoy this gift fully, our emotional needs must be met first, and an environment of trust established between spouses. Emotional safety and physical synchrony exist in a reciprocal relationship.

Conversation 7: Keeping Your Love Alive

As marriages continue down the years, hardships enter unannounced and changes take place. In order to outlast the test of time, couples must create plans for their desired future together. God’s design is that marriage sanctifies us, which can only happen when we are open and willing to grow and mature together. The promise of continuing to seek emotional connection with one another engages a couple for a lifetime of love, growth, and strengthened bonds. 

We never stop needing to be emotionally connected to our loved ones, regardless of life’s many changing circumstances. Dr. Sue Johnson says, “Until we address the fundamental need for connection and the fear of losing it, the standard techniques, such as learning problem solving or communication skills, examining childhood hurts, or taking time-outs, are misguided and ineffectual.” Working through these seven conversations can help by giving couples the resources to seek out emotional connection with one another for the lifetime of their marriage.

Understanding Your Couple Dance

All couples have conflict. Conflict isn’t necessary bad, but it seldom feels good. Healthy couples learn how to manage conflict in a way that doesn’t harm the relationship and allows for a solution to be reached either by changing a behavior or some type of compromise.

Sometimes, couples find that they get into a pattern of interaction that prevents them from reaching a solution to the challenging issues in their relationship. Often, the pattern can be understood as a “dance” in which they each move together in a predictable manner. Often, our couple dance can actually prevent us from being able to have a productive conversation. I would like to look at three patterns or “dance steps” that couples may find themselves practicing.

The first dance pattern is the “retreat-retreat” pattern. In this pattern, both individuals struggle with addressing issues in their relationship and would rather avoid talking than to risk having conflict. They often find themselves choosing to not talk about an issue of concern, and instead ignore their feelings and withdraw until they feel better. While on the one hand this couple pattern can appear to not have problems, on the other hand, this couple pattern often results in a gradually increasing emotional distancing from each other. Couples with the “retreat-retreat” pattern can find themselves feeling more like roommates rather than feeling emotionally connected.

The second dance pattern is the “pursue-pursue” pattern. In this pattern, both individuals are comfortable about addressing issues in their relationship. Both often have ideas about the solution to an issue, with the result that conversations can become emotional and “lively.” This type of couple may be known for their “lively” discussions, and sometimes they are unable to reach a solution due to both feeling strongly about their ideas. This pattern can be healthy if both individuals are open to compromise and are able to “speak truth in love” rather than focusing on expressing their personal feelings. This pattern can be unhealthy when solutions are unable to be reached and each person begins to view the other person in a negative way.

The third dance pattern is the “pursue-retreat” pattern. In this pattern one individual feels it is important to address an issue in their relationship, and the other person doesn’t feel comfortable and withdraws. This pattern usually sees an escalation due to the pursuer feeling ignored or understood and intensifying their effort to be heard. When the pursuer intensifies their effort to be heard or understood, the withdrawer continues to retreat emotionally. This pattern usually ends when the pursuer becomes frustrated, or harsh words are spoken that injure the other person.

Couples may display a variation of these dance patterns at different times or find that they interact consistently in one of them. One benefit of understanding your dance pattern is that you can recognize when you are moving together in a way that has historically not been positive in your relationship. If you know where you are heading as a couple, you can identify your pattern and make positive changes. Another benefit is understanding that our dance steps may come from an emotional place within ourselves, and the steps we take may be to protect us from feeling hurt.

Take some time to examine your most recent disagreement and try to determine what steps each of you were taking. You may also want to have a conversation and discuss what prompts you to take the step you take in your couple dance. You may find that you understand your partner better and your couple dance becomes more positive.

Communication in Marriage

When couples are experiencing challenges in their marriage, they often identify the problem as “not being able to communicate”. The descriptions of what constitutes good communication would look like can range from the desire to talk without fighting, an ability to share the events of the day, a desire to have deep meaningful conversations, or any other desire to connect with your partner in a meaningful way through talking.

One desire I believe all people have when talking with their partner is to feel safe. Whether we are seeking to solve a problem or simply spend time sharing our thoughts, we want to feel safe. When couples talk, and the conversation becomes tense or uncomfortable, it is easy for us to feel threatened and become angry or defensive. When we feel threatened or unsafe in a conversation, we naturally default to justifying our decisions and point out the faulty thinking or behaviors of the other person.  The result is that we become flooded with emotions and feel overwhelmed. When that happens, the goal in the conversation becomes to protect ourselves against our partner. So, when thinking about talking as a couple, a crucial aspect of the conversation is for both individuals to feel safe.

So, how do we have a productive conversation and feel safe? After so many failed attempts to talk, how can I talk to my partner without dreading that the conversation will put more distance between us instead of drawing us closer to each other?

When we are faced with a conversation that becomes tense or argumentative, we often push forward in the conversation, defending our position, until we give up in frustration of anger. Research has shown that emotions that develop in a conversation after the first few minutes will determine the emotional direction of the conversation. If you are having a discussion and it begins to become frustrating or defensive, it will not get any better.

So, what can you do to have a better conversation? When I am working with couples at Tapestry Counseling, I recommend two tools to help develop good communication.

The first tool that I recommend for a couple to use is the “time out”. When either partner recognizes that they are beginning to become emotionally flooded or overwhelmed. They can call a “time out” to pause the discussion and allow their emotions to calm down. The “time out” is a tool that is not used to avoid a conversation, but a tool to use to improve conversation. During the time out it is helpful for each person to do something calming like listening to music, going for a walk, reading their bible or prayer, anything that helps them calm themselves down emotionally.

The second tool I recommend is that when you resume your conversation, focus the conversation on understanding the other person rather than seeking to solve a problem.

Speaking personally as a man, I can say that many men can be described as “problem solvers” and we enter most conversations eager to identify and plan how to remedy the issue. Often, the attempts to find the simple answer is met with the words, “I don’t want you to solve my problem, I just want you to listen” and we don’t know what to do.

To effectively understand the other person, I suggested that you consider using a format for talking that has been called the “speaker-listener technique”. The steps to implementing this tool is described in this article from Watermark Church entitled  “Stop and Argument”. When using the speaker-listener technique the goal is to understand the other person, not solve a problem. One of the most challenging aspects of seeking to understand another person is to suspend your personal judgment as to what the speaker is saying. To understand another person does not require you to agree with what they are saying, just understand what they are saying. 

When you add these two tools to your marriage toolbox, you may discover that you are experiencing a level of communication that is both understanding and more intimate.