When couples are experiencing challenges in their marriage, they often identify the problem as “not being able to communicate”. The descriptions of what constitutes good communication would look like can range from the desire to talk without fighting, an ability to share the events of the day, a desire to have deep meaningful conversations, or any other desire to connect with your partner in a meaningful way through talking.
One desire I believe all people have when talking with their partner is to feel safe. Whether we are seeking to solve a problem or simply spend time sharing our thoughts, we want to feel safe. When couples talk, and the conversation becomes tense or uncomfortable, it is easy for us to feel threatened and become angry or defensive. When we feel threatened or unsafe in a conversation, we naturally default to justifying our decisions and point out the faulty thinking or behaviors of the other person. The result is that we become flooded with emotions and feel overwhelmed. When that happens, the goal in the conversation becomes to protect ourselves against our partner. So, when thinking about talking as a couple, a crucial aspect of the conversation is for both individuals to feel safe.
So, how do we have a productive conversation and feel safe? After so many failed attempts to talk, how can I talk to my partner without dreading that the conversation will put more distance between us instead of drawing us closer to each other?
When we are faced with a conversation that becomes tense or argumentative, we often push forward in the conversation, defending our position, until we give up in frustration of anger. Research has shown that emotions that develop in a conversation after the first few minutes will determine the emotional direction of the conversation. If you are having a discussion and it begins to become frustrating or defensive, it will not get any better.
So, what can you do to have a better conversation? When I am working with couples at Tapestry Counseling, I recommend two tools to help develop good communication.
The first tool that I recommend for a couple to use is the “time out”. When either partner recognizes that they are beginning to become emotionally flooded or overwhelmed. They can call a “time out” to pause the discussion and allow their emotions to calm down. The “time out” is a tool that is not used to avoid a conversation, but a tool to use to improve conversation. During the time out it is helpful for each person to do something calming like listening to music, going for a walk, reading their bible or prayer, anything that helps them calm themselves down emotionally.
The second tool I recommend is that when you resume your conversation, focus the conversation on understanding the other person rather than seeking to solve a problem.
Speaking personally as a man, I can say that many men can be described as “problem solvers” and we enter most conversations eager to identify and plan how to remedy the issue. Often, the attempts to find the simple answer is met with the words, “I don’t want you to solve my problem, I just want you to listen” and we don’t know what to do.
To effectively understand the other person, I suggested that you consider using a format for talking that has been called the “speaker-listener technique”. The steps to implementing this tool is described in this article from Watermark Church entitled “Stop and Argument”. When using the speaker-listener technique the goal is to understand the other person, not solve a problem. One of the most challenging aspects of seeking to understand another person is to suspend your personal judgment as to what the speaker is saying. To understand another person does not require you to agree with what they are saying, just understand what they are saying.
When you add these two tools to your marriage toolbox, you may discover that you are experiencing a level of communication that is both understanding and more intimate.